Wedding day faux pas and easily avoided school boy errors.
I have had the pleasure of being a wedding day and party guest on several occasions. I’ve been an Usher six times and a Best man on four others. Touch wood I have not experienced any Titanic moments where I wished the ground would swallow me up like a hungry ‘Hungry Hippo’. I have heard many a tale of wedding disasters and have personally experienced a few comical antics along the way.
The number one common wedding faux pas seems to be the ‘Umpa Lumpa’ scenario. The Spray-tan is a pit fall for both the Bride and Groom. Homemade Mary Berry style Apple Crumbles or Chutneys are terrific ideas; homemade D.I.Y Spray-tans, not so much. A dodgy Spray-tan on a regular day is bad enough. A dodgy Spray-tan when the Bride is wearing a bright white dress and at the centre of everyone’s attention where there’s a photographer who will capture the day for your and future generations to come is a Greek Tragedy. On one occasion I witnessed a wedding guest who got so ultra-tanned they resembled a creosoted Garden Shed. Needless to say a profile picture or selfie did not appear on the tinterweb for them on this occasion.
Weather can be a wicked and cruel mistress, or a Bunny Boiler if you will. I know wedding days that have dotted across the whole meteorological spectrum. A sweltering 35 degree Celsius Jamaican wedding (see home v away weddings blog) was hotter than a Prom Queen’s loins which resulted in my khaki linen trousers and salmon shirt combo being wetter than a Beaver’s Dicky Bow tie. In contrast another wedding was in Wales in the winter and we had a heavy snow fall. It made for a beautiful scene and the wedding pictures are immense. The marquee was a tad parky away from the heater and this gave all the more reason to get my Beer Coat and Cider Visor on and generally cut some shapes and get my groove on to maintain body heat. The most spiteful of all possible weather situations on a Wedding Day is the rain. This will flatten hair dos and cause make-up to run faster than patient’s efforts at the Premature Eculation Unit. It also affects the female guests too…
Another factor in rocking the gallant wedding boat is the captain of the ship, The Vicar. This guy or gal is the puppeteer of the day or the Jim Henson if you will. If you’re fortunate enough you will have a Kermit, if you’re unfortunate you could end up with Miss Piggy. I can remember a certain chap who made the wedding party feel as comfortable as Colonic Irrigation (See Vicar Blog) “He was impatient he was unkind, he was envious, he was rude, he was self-seeking, he was a penis” – Corinthians, alternative testament.
A common wedding faux pas that I have heard often is the failure to launch. Either the married couple are too exhausted, their cheeks are hurting from the hundreds of photos and their adrenaline supply has perished; leaving Captain Todger unable to salute. Or the couple are too sozzled resulting in Captain Todger retreating to live to consummate another day.
The biggest wedding disaster I have ever heard of allegedly, occurred in a galaxy far, far away, many moons ago. “Cringey afternoon for sure it was.” Master Yoda may say. The wedding was apparently a grand military affair as the groom was a serving soldier. The wedding ceremony apparently went off great guns, the meal was lavish and delicious, then came the speeches… Apparently the Groom stood up for the opening speech, raised the microphone and uttered these earth shattering words “I would like to make a special thank you to my Best man for keeping my wife’s bed warm while I’ve been over in Iraq.” He dropped the mic and sauntered out of the venue like an absolute legend. Boom!! Good old karma, there’s no hiding from her.
In a nut shell.
Best of British to you. You can’t control the weather, the Vicar, an adrenaline crash, a Best man-slag or a morally challenged Bride. You can control Captain Todger. Go steady on the pop and you can give the Bride a royal 41 Gun Salute and consummate like the virile champion that you are.