Stag do pranks that were top bants from Pissup

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Just in case you haven’t had the pleasure of coming across the Stag Do Kings of party planning ‘Piss up’ here’s a look at a selection of memorable Stag stitch ups. Our personal favourite has to be the poor broken Stag heading home on the mini-bus when his mates scare him half to death in the ‘Car Crash Prank’. You can almost smell his fear. Enjoy.

Stag do pranks that were top bants

Pranking the groom on a stag do is a must and as the best man you need to be the prankster of the group.

Pissup.com recently wrote an article about stag do pranks that were top bants to help all the best men out there that are struggling to come up with some stitch-ups to play on the groom-to-be.

Check out this list of the best ever stag do pranks that were definitely top bants.

Getting your stag arrested (not literally)

A group of lads hire two Latvian cops to arrest the stag for drugs they plant in the front seat of the car.

The bungee jump prank

A must-try prank for a stag do is to blindfold your stag and tell them that they are going to do a bungee jump, but instead make them jump into a baby pool. You will recognise this as it was an internet sensation.

Glue a friend’s pubic hair to the stag’s face and visit a senior centre

This prank also went viral, as the stag was made to wear a beard made up of his friend’s pubic hair. Oh and he was also gaffer taped to a wheelchair, made to hold a cabbage, was dressed in incontinence pants, clown shoes and colourful socks, all whilst being rolled into a centre for over 50s.

Smoke bomb shower

Never heard of a smoke bomb shower? Just watch and learn.

The kidnap

A classic prank for the start of the stag do is to pretend to kidnap the stag. On this occasion the groom was driving along a country lane with his fiancé, who was in on the prank, and was then jumped by his mates.

Airport prank

The stag is going through security at Budapest airport in Hungary, but gets stopped and his bag is searched. Unbeknown to him, his pals have put a sex toy in his bag strapped to a bottle of water.

Shoot the pink bunny

Paintballing is a common stag do activity and what better way to set up the stag than by dressing him in a pink bunny outfit?

Borat style fancy dress

Dressing up in a Borat-style fancy dress outfit is now commonplace for a stag do and watching this video just reinforces why it is so funny.

A game of spoons

This prank sees the stag get roped into the spoons game, but there’s a hitch as the guy he’s playing against has got one of his mates (who is supposed to be the referee) to hit the stag over the head with a wooden spoon instead of an average-sized one.

The car crash prank

Last, but certainly not least, these guys are heading home in the car after a stag do in Prague. The stag is asleep, which only means that you have one last opportunity to prank him.

Image Credit: Tom Henry (flickr.com)

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The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Stag pranks by Maximise.

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As a Best man, rocking a memorable Stag Do pitched to perfection can appear as tricky as convincing your nan that Movember is only for us guys without hurting her feelings. For a leg up look no further than the unique marvel of the good people at Maximise. They have the experience and the cahones to make sure that your Stag Do is one to be reveled in over many pints for years to come. Enjoy their guest blogging comedy gold.

Maximise are the leading specialist Stag weekend organiser in the UK. You’ll find great Stag ideas for your weekend in the UK, Europe or abroad on our website, just take a look!

Stag Pranks: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I’ll sleep better knowing my good friend is by my side to protect me” says Blondie in the classic western The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. It’s a sentiment echoed by a lot of grooms-to-be on a stag do, but unfortunately it’s usually the best friend you need to keep an eye on.

In the wake of one of the most sensational stag do pranks of all time, which saw Mark Longley from Croydon, the groom,have the pubic hair of the stags glued to his face on his stag do, the stag weekend company Maximise.co.uk have put together the ultimate list of stag pranks for the best man to take inspiration from. Whatever pranks you end up using though, from the playful through to the ‘he’s-going-to-kill-me-for-doing-this’, remember to pick wisely. After all, what goes around does inevitably come around, usually around the time of your stag do.

The Good

Not all pranks have to end in tears. Play nice with these fun pranks, guaranteeing a good story for the best man speech but minimising the fear of evil prank retribution on your own stag do.

  • Sexy Hitchhiker: Only available in Eastern European countries (unsurprisingly), Maximise can organise a sexy twist to the classic hitchhiker hijack. The Sexy Hitchhiker package involves a prank straight from the plane. During the transfer from the airport to your hotel, your taxi driver will pick up a pretty girl looking for a ride. After some chit chat, the sexy hitchhiker will identify the stag and start a mini-cab strip to his surprise (and delight!)
  • Blindfold Bungee: Get the stag to face his fear of heights with blind bungee. It’ll take a lot of planning and some convincing execution, but the results will be worth the effort. Ideally incorporate into an active adventure weekend so it’s less of a random request. Get the camera ready to film the results as you watch the blindfolded groom, complete in a bungee harness, take a blind leap of faith into the abyss, only to land in a paddling pool a couple of feet away. Watch these Norwegian lads execute this prank to perfection below.

      Rabid Dog: For those who want to get truly barking mad on their stag weekend in Krakow… Got a stag who thinks he’s fearless? Get him to try our rabid dog chase! The rest of the lads will all stand back and watch the show as the stag gets baited by a K9 dog, who will hunt the stag down and latch on. Luckily enough the stag will be wearing protective gear and there will be a professional handler to keep things in order… maybe tell the stag to take a change of underwear just in case though!

  • Novelty Stripper: Enjoy this hilarious stag prank on your stag weekend in Budapest… You and the lads can watch the look of delight on the stags face at the prospect of a gorgeous stripper turning up to do her thing turn in to something else completely as our ‘bubbly’ beauty shimmies up to the man of the moment for a 15 minute performance… This buxom stripper will give you and the lads a show that none of you will forget in a hurry…

The Bad

If you’re looking to prank the stag with something a bit crueller, (maybe you want to get revenge for the pranks he organised for your stag?), then check out these lean and mean ideas.

  • Stag Arrest: This prank works best if only one or two of you know it’s a stitch up – the reaction of his terrified groom’s men with really get the stag convinced they’re in trouble.  Maximise’s Stag Arrest involves actual off-duty cops turning up to arrest your stag group on a misdemeanour charge. Those arrested will be taken away to a (now abandoned) police station that’s set up to look like a working station – there they’ll be interrogated until the prankster reveals all.
  • Get on the weights son: After the stag has finished his packing, sneak a brick or two into his luggage. Watch him struggle and sweat with his bag – but if he asks you if his bag feels heavy to you, lift it up as if it’s light as a feather and tell him to ‘get on the weights son’.
  • Busk-a-groom: Take the groom’s money and possessions, give him a guitar and force him to busk for his beer money.
  • Team Betrayal: Stuck for fancy dress ideas on a stag do? These Birmingham lads knew the outfit that would humiliate their West Brom supporting stag the most – the Wolves football kit! Getting the stag kitted out in the colour of his team’s nemesis is definitely going to wind him up a treat.

The Ugly

If it’s no-holds barred prank carnage you’re after, (and you’re prepared for your best mate to not speak to you until after the wedding), here are some more ugly stunts to consider.

  • Sexy stripper swap: Halfway through the stag’s striptease, have the female stripper blindfold him. She steps away to let a male stripper take over, unbeknownst to the stag. You’ll have some excellent, extortion-worthy video of the stag enjoy an outrageous lap dance from an oiled-up muscle man.
  • Destination Unknown: Lower the expectations of the groom by convincing him you’re headed to a cheap-but-cheerful party town. Pack everyone up on the National Express and watch the groom pretend he’s not disappointed he’s not headed to Vegas or Ibiza.  You can play the big reveal in the naff location by heading straight to the city’s airport and getting on an airplane out of there! (Just don’t forget the stag’s passport…)
  •  Preacher gotta preach:  Dress the stag as a religious figure, complete with bible, and he only gets a beer if and when he can get pedestrians to say Amen. Be careful how far you push religious dress up though; if you’re in a religious country you don’t want to upset any locals with blasphemous behaviour. After all, who can forget the stag group who dressed up as naughty nuns in Malia, only to be arrested and locked up for the night in a local Greek jail!

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  • Brown fudgies: Quite literally, the ugliest prank of them all. Anything involving laxatives is never going to end well. Before you bring poop-inducing pills into the prank equation though, remember that someone’s going to have to clean it up and have to explain the mess to the hotel manager.

As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing. Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs.

The Usher’s Parable

I am going to share my adventures and the experiences that friends have had down the route of being an Usher/Groomsman. A ‘Parable’ is defined as – A story that is used to illustrate a moral or spiritual lesson. I can’t fathom a more appropriate explanation of the Usher’s role. Arguably, bar the speech, this is a tougher job than being a Best man. As the Best man chills at the alter grinning like a Cheshire Cat with the Groom on the Wedding day cwtched up on their cotton wool wrapped pedestal, the Ushers are getting their hands dirty on the front line. The Ushers are doing anything from Car Parking duties; showing the guests to their pews; acting as the last line of defence by the church door in case a volatile ex attempts to rock up; to shepherding the guests for photos; to acting as a peacemaker should any evening guests get a little fighty; to even cleaning up the potty should an excitable, petite guest try to chug two bottles of vino on an empty stomach in an hour and leave ‘Exorcist’ style projectile carnage in her wake. It was like a scene out of ‘Nam’ and not Chelte’nham’.

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Last line of defence

The entire wedding expedition can be as unpredictable as a drunk Elk in an orchard long after apple picking season is over. If un-planned expect more cock-ups than in a Red Light District. If you are clued up on what is expected of you and are alert in case of any outlandish surprises then that will stand you in good stead. (See 7Ps blog) If the Best man is the Striker and in pole-position to score then the Ushers are the defenders at the back preventing any slippery attackers from hitting the back of their net. Initially you have the Stag Do juggernaut to contend with. The Stag Do (previous blog) can get unruly faster than you can say “Ow, that nipple tassel just hit me right in the eye.” Unless you’ve got a Best man who’s a total legend then be prepared to step up to the mark and help out when required. I’m not suggesting you do a ‘Donnie Brasco’ and snitch on all of the reveller’s shenanigans. I would suggest that if any ‘Loose Cannons’ (See blog) go Bat Turd loco then help the Best man out and reign them in a touch. On the Wedding week the best approach is to communicate clearly with the rest of the team so that everyone knows their roles. Weather that be directing traffic or ferrying around for last minute pick-ups at the Florists, Tailors and so on and so forth. If you avoid stepping up and taking on responsibilities expect to be as successful as the chat-up line “I like your eyes. Can I keep them?”

Too many bowls of ‘loud mouth soup’

On the Wedding day people are in the unusual scenario of being seated for an extended period of time, they’re dolled up in their best bib and tucker, have access to ‘free alcohol’ (to an extent) and are often seated with friends who they haven’t seen for ages. Inevitably some people will get excited. Enter Giggly Drunk, Tipsy Wipsy, Emotional Drunk, the Hulk Smash, Look at Me!! and the Projectile Canon. If you can go above and beyond and keep an eye out for the last three drunkard styles then you can avoid either separating fisticuffs, awkward moments or cleaning up the aftermath of projectile fine dining and ‘Time Travel Juice’. The most appreciated Usher involvement in my opinion is definitely if a guest plays the ‘Look At Me’ card. The Best man has a tough enough job with the speech so if someone heckles him in a menacing way it can be as awkward as Rain Man on a Speed Dating night. Be a metaphorical “excellent driver” and discuss with the other Ushers and Bridesmaids on a tactical pre-emptive strike.

In a nut-shell

Communicate with the Best man and Groom to make yourself aware of your expectations. Don’t get yourself stuck in a hole and try to dig yourself out. Get your ‘dancing daps’ on and live the Ushering dream.

Coming up.

Home weddings vs overseas weddings

‘Numpty Proof’ Stag Do Guide to keep the Away Stag Do as smooth as Arthur Fonzarello.

I’ve been on a few Stag Do’s where mass confusion has ensued purely because of a lack of information sharing. You can be as organised as a farmer successfully taxi-ing their Fox, Chicken and Chicken Feed across a river. If you don’t keep the group in the loop then expect confused carnage.

I came across the Stag Programme idea on an Edinburgh Stag Do many moons ago and loved it as it not only filled you in on the itinerary/rendezvous it also provides the opportunity to slate the Stag with more gusto than you can during the Best man speech when his Great Aunty Ethyl and Gam-Gam are present. “What did that young man say about feeding a pony Ethyl?” Awkward times.

On a recent stag do I organised there were two ‘Loose Cannons’ in the Stag group who were concerned about following the ‘Stag Do Programme’. Amazing, unique individuals whose sheer presence have put ‘two fingers up’ to Charles Darwin. One of which is harder than a Beaver’s bottom lip and the other is as random as a Sandal on a Cheese Board. The first gent can jump up in the air and spin-kick ‘Van Damme styley’ and accurately brush your fringe with his shoe. The second hero literally gave road side ‘mouth to mouth’ resuscitation to a Badger (unsuccessfully I might add). The ‘Stag Do Programme’ kept decorum for the group as a whole and kept these two hero’s singing from the same collective hymn sheet as the rest of the crew from start to finish. Amen.

Here follows an example of a ‘Stag do Programme’.

The Fabulous amigos sharing Rich Tales and fables of Will Owen Price on his farewell tour.

Courtship is as old as the early days of fire and the wheel my friend.

Well here we all are. A weekend away to mark the impending sunset of the single life and times of Will Owen Price. Mother Nature’s impish man child burrowed himself in many a furry warren in the pulling years of 1999 to 2002. I was proud to be your wing man and to mop up the low self-esteemed chicas whose hot friend had abandoned them to get silly with Willy. We came across quite a selection of wild cats and Hobbit footed natural disasters over those memorable times.

“If you want to get out of the wedding, treat every day from now on like a prison riot.” Barrington Bear age 31 ½

Prison riots are a lot like getting married. Women look for weakness. Like the annual migration of Water Bison through Lion town in the Serengeti. There’s always fear in the air. There comes a time when a Water Bison might as well accept it and embrace the inevitability. Some men can’t handle it. They buckle under the fear. These are the ones who get taken down by the jugular faster than a pair of pants on Prom Night.

It’s not too late hombre. Options….

Play dead. It’s a strategy that will save you in the long game. It requires commitment, a safe house and a counterfeit Passport.

Another Prison Riot strategy is to side with the homosexuals. This will require a significant lifestyle shift and is a guaranteed banker.

Flog your dolphin in public. This is a bold move, not my style, it’s extremely effective at isolating yourself from ‘normal’ society.

A wise man once said “One day we all end up at the banquet of our own consequences.” Ronald Burgundy.

For many men that banquet is a disturbing and fitting conclusion to a life of poor choices. As for you my good man if you ignore the ‘prison riot Survival Rules’ and take the plunge your banquet will be fit for Kimye.

Either way we’ll all be there in the good times and the bad. Tip of the cap to you amigo.

Friday Aug 1st 3 – 5pm ‘Titan Zip-Line’ o’clock.

For the non-flyers there’s a café that serves Fire-water on site.

Blaenau Ffestiniog.  Titan, Llechwedd Slate Caverns, Blaenau Ffestiniog, Gwynedd, LL41 3NB (2 hours 33 minute drive 110 miles.) Tel: 01248 601 444

Next stop Bunk House.  (16 minutes. 12 miles away.)

Glan Aber Hotel, Holyhead Road, Betws y coed, Conwy LL24 0AB Tel: 01690 710325

Saturday 1.30pm (need to be there by 1pm) White Water Rafting.

National White Water Centre. Canolfan Tryweryn, Bala, Frongoch, Gwynedd LL23 7NU (19 miles.41 minute drive taxi). Tel: 01678 521083

(Inspired by Mr Ron Burgundy and his stellar musings in his autobiography ‘Let me off at the top.’)

Coming up.

Best man speech preparation, drawing board basics, planning, template and execution.

 

Home is where the ‘Smart’ is… ‘Home Stag Do’ continued.

Etiquette and Drinking Games.

As mentioned I’ve experienced over twenty Stag Do’s ranging from relatively sober affairs where we canoed by day, camped in a Tipi and supped away slow and steadily by night and other Do’s where we were as drunk as a Hillbillies in Moonshine season. Alcohol is not the be all and end all for a successful Do. As long as you have a laugh and you cater for the Groom and the majority’s tastes then you’ve got the Do by the Ging Gang Goolies. In my experience, gone are the days of tarring and feathering a nude Stag to a lamp post on a cold British night. Nowadays this torment is as pointless as putting ‘Racing Stripes’ on a Sloth as the Fuzz will be on to you faster than you can say “That looks like a penis, only smaller.”

What alcohol does bring to the table is a vehicle for lowering inhibitions. Old school classic drinking etiquette can be as harsh or as relaxed as the occasion requires. Winners for me have been Left Handed Drinking, a Ban on using first names; allocating a Freeze Master who randomly poses in an obscure manner and the last person to copy has to drink; a Thumb Master who stealthily places his thumb on a surface in plain sight and the last person to place their thumb down sups; naming an imaginary ‘Little man’ who is an inch tall and sits on the rim of your glass. You have to name him, lift him off the glass and place him on the table before you drink and you lift him back up onto his perch post slurp; other games include Fuzzy Duck (In a circle people repeat “Fuzzy Duck” in an allocated direction. If someone says “Does he?!” you change direction. For a more complex game please look up ‘Yeeha, ‘Pimmily’’ and ‘Spoof’ or sit in your local rugby club after a match and take notes. If you want to achieve the group decorum to pull off the drinking games successfully you need to allocate a ‘Snitch’ and a ‘Weights & Measures’ man. A Snitch has to keep an Eagle Eye out for any discrepancies to the rules and when a culprit has been spotted the Weights & Measures man allocates a fine of 1 to 4 fingers width worth of your beverage to be seen away. If you’re not feeling the love for full blown laddish Stag Do and just fancy getting steadily Ale’d up then a ’Kitty’ will suffice.

Kangaroo Court

All you will require is an appropriate, private space according on numbers. The mock court set-up requires an area for all the Stag Doers to sit/stand; ideally with a bar/access to alcohol; an area at the front where the ‘Judge’ sits with a record of Stag Do discrepancies and he keeps order. Nearby you will need a ‘Defence’ and a ‘Prosecutor’ to represent each individual who is called up to answer to the alleged offence. Examples I have witnessed include lateness, pulling an attractively challenged lady, splintering off from the group and the heinous act of disobeying the Social Media Blackout. The best punishments involve forfeits of embarrassment and ridicule.

Taking one for the team

The finest example I’ve seen of a Best man taking one for the team came on a Magaluf Stag Do in a pub where the Stag was escorted up onto the bar and posed on all fours while a sexy, yet masochistic senorita spanked his bare arse with a studded paddle. After the first strike the Stag hopped off the bar and was as useful as a ‘Chicken Dentist’. Like a drunken Knight in shining Board Shorts the Best man stepped up and the Groom ‘tagged out’. Several strikes later the Best man received a standing ovation and minced away. His arse resembled the Elephant man’s face for days. ‘Taking one for the team’ also occurs when a Best man hangs back on the drinking so that he can keep his wits about him should any mischiefs go awry. Some great pieces of advice are get ‘Beer Fit’ (think Rocky training montage), keep hydrated, book a day off following the Stag Dos return to reimburse the inevitable sleep debt, befriend all Bar Keeps and accommodation bosses and guard the ‘Kitty’ like it’s a new-born Panda.

Coming up.

An example of a ‘Numpty Proof’ Stag Do Guide Lanyard to keep the Stag Do as smooth as Arthur Fonzarello.

 

 

Open Sesame – Journey to the centre of morality

Stag Do  – ‘Open Sesame – Journey to the centre of morality’

 Away leg.

The rule of the ‘7 Ps’ is a great way to kick off. ‘Prior planning & preparation prevents p*ss poor performance.’ In terms of planning you need to have an idea of activities and a destination. This works best if you take a pew with the Stag and Ushers and throw some ideas around. I would recommend at least one activity a day to be ‘the filling’ in an alcohol fuelled sandwich. The next job is to write a list of revellers (See Loose Cannon in previous blog) as I mentioned ‘15’ is the magic number from my experience. I’ve been on Stag Do’s with up to 30 guys and its utter carnage to keep the group together; particularly when on the move and a ‘Kitty’ is so big that it becomes slow and unpractical which inevitably leads to smaller groups forming within the party. Therefore with over 15 people, splintering off is as inevitable as a Nanna falling asleep after saying “I’ll just rest my eyes for a few seconds” whilst sat in her armchair next to an open fire after consuming a roast dinner.

I’ve been on a few Stag Do’s and there have been a smorgasbord of family members, school friends, university mates and work colleagues. No worries, as long as you prepare. Group bonding relies on ‘Forming, Norming, Storming and Performing’ (Tuckman) Therefore going genitals deep into a V.I.P Night Club package on the first night is the worst possible start (Storming). Cliques will form and you won’t have enough time to turn that around over the spell of a weekend. Ideally on all activities it’s best to mix everybody up. It may be awkward at first (Forming). Throw in a few laughs and a few beers and you’re well on your way to ‘Norming’ and ‘Performing’. A great way of establishing banter, commonality and an ownership for all is to create a Facebook ‘save-the-date group’. This saves the hassle of contacting everyone individually. It’s the lazy man’s dream.

To Lap Dance or not to Lap Dance. That is the question.

Firstly, see ‘Omerta’. Secondly if you find yourself in an exotic dancing establishment it is custom to chip in for the Stag to have the first ‘No Pants Dance’. If you’ve never frequented these establishments. The drink prices are as extortionate as car insurance for a 17 year old Boy Racer. Never go into one when very drunk. Never leave your card behind the bar, not only will you end up getting rinsed, you will also have to explain any awkward questions regarding future bank statements. Always sit on your hands during a dance. On every visit I’ve had bar-none, a member of the group has inevitably fallen in love with a dancer and spent a small fortune on them. Their alluring charms, their complimentary patter and the fact that their nipples rub your nose like an Eskimo’s ‘Hello’ could well be behind the Stag member falling for them like a blind roofer. I would recommend an hour tops in there (otherwise your bank account will get smashed open like a $1 Piñata), pay with cash and don’t drink much.

Stag Do – Home Leg

There are several benefits of a Home Leg. You can tend to the egos and ‘Boo-Boos’ of people who didn’t make it onto the Away Leg. It’s close to home so your other mates and family members can get involved. It’s cheaper, your job is far easier as you don’t have to organise transport, activities, accommodation and everyone gets to be a part of the tomfoolery.

A few words of advice “Don’t scheize on your own doorstep”. There’s two ‘Hopes’ of a ‘Social Media Blackout’. ‘Bob Hope’ and ‘No Hope’. Rest in peace Bob. I was on a Stag Do recently where the Best man took one for the team and finished off the Stag’s pint as he had hit ‘Beer Wall’. Fast forward 2 minutes and the Best man was turtled over outside the pub heaving like a Moggy with a Fur Ball while four Smart phones where all up in his grill recording every gurgle. There’s nowhere to hide…

All you’re going to need is an establishment which can accommodate your group size. A pub crawl with a large group is always a mission so I wouldn’t bother with a Kitty if you have more than 15 people. A gimmick or a fancy dress is great at establishing unity. (See forming, norming, storming, performing) An old classic is ‘Pub Golf’. All you will require is a scorecard each with a specific drink named at each hole/pub each with its own individual Par and dressing as a caricature of a Golfer. Partnering people up also creates good banter between drunkards and it almost always concludes in buffoonery and comedy gold. Another gem is for there to be a golf ball in your pocket. If you can get that into someone’s drink without them realising then they are challenged to see their drink away.

Coming up – Stag Do Home Leg continued including Etiquette and Drinking Games,

Kangaroo Court and Taking one for the team.

Preparation for the Stag Do. Part 2. ‘Fail to prepare. Prepare to fail hombre.’

Preparation for the Stag Do. Part 2. ‘Fail to prepare. Prepare to fail hombre.’

Itinerary

Sounds boring, however the itinerary is the back bone to welding the whole Stag Do together. In the early years when I was a little wet behind the ears I would tell the group to meet at a certain place and at a certain time. Throw in Mr Sauce, the excitement of temporarily lobbing the shackles of ‘normal day-to-day’ life aside, the presence of a few effervescing Loose Cannons and carnage almost always reared its unwelcome head. It was like inviting a Fox to a Chicken Shed house warming party… Four Stag Do’s later I allocated a ‘Gum Ball Rally’ pack for each car leaving from home to Snowdonia which consisted of a turn-by-turn route planner and a contact number for the Hotel. Also I composed a ’Stag Do Guide Lanyard’ for each member of the group with a Stag Programme which had a passage taking the Mickey out of the Stag; the cast of the Stag Do with celebrity look-a-like pictures; rendezvous for the activities; route planner; contact number of the Zip Line Centre and the White Water Rafting. It was as stressful a Hawaiian Yoga Retreat. As the Best man I used the back of my lanyard as the drinks order for everyone. That way everyone put money into a ‘Kitty’ which I looked after and I could literally hand my lanyard over to the Bar Keep and you could stick a metaphorical fork in me as my job was done.

Destination

As the list of destinations is so long I’ve listed the Top 10 best Stag Do destinations I’ve experienced purely based on how good the craic was, what we did there, stress levels when on the move between watering holes, how friendly the ladies were and on how expensive it was generally. I have used a scale of 0 = Danny Dyer and 10 = Awesome. I am omitting two amazing Stag Dos from the Top 10. Las Vegas and Brisbane as they are rare once in a life time experiences that are not practical for a general Stag Do due to the price tag. None the less, Vegas is a little slice of heaven where an unattractive woman was as rare as Rocking Horse dung. It’s like watching a montage of sublime. Best put, an orgasm for all five of your senses.

Brisbane is an incredible part of the world where we surfed at Surfer’s Paradise, had a pub crawl, got our thongs out and generally had a ‘Rippa’ & ‘Bonza’ time. If you’re planning a Stag Do which requires a passport I highly recommend that every member takes out insurance. (See Loose Cannon) Also carry-on luggage is best in avoiding any stress with Checked-in luggage delays.

Where? Craic Activities Stress/drama Chicas Moneys TOTAL
Edinburgh 8 8 8 7 5 36
Magaluf 9 6 7 7 5 34
Cardiff 8 8 6 7 5 34
Benidorm 8 6 8 2 9 33
Newcastle 8 6 8 5 5 33
Leeds 7 7 6 7 6 33
Liverpool 7 7 6 5 6 31
Snowdonia 5 9 7 1 6 28
Barcelona 5 4 7 4 4 24
Forrest of Dean 5 3 7 1 7 23

The above judgements are purely based on my experiences and personal tastes obviously play a part. Horses for courses. I’m aware there are other impressive destinations and I hope I enjoy future Stag Dos elsewhere too. Out of the above list I have visited Edinburgh 3 times (Highlights were – www.biddymulligansbar.com , http://www.scottishrugby.org  for Murrayfield 7s tournament), Benidorm twice (The only senoritas I saw there were behind bars and it was a total Shlong fest) and Newcastle twice (Big Market, big drinking)

Media blackout

There are no sinister undertones regarding this. It’s purely to prevent any partners at home getting the wrong idea if they see a picture of a Stag Do member in an uncompromising position which could be misconstrued as being naughty. It’s important that an ‘Omerta’ (honourable code of silence) is respected by every single member. The beauty of the Kangaroo Court provides a threatening stick to Kibosh anyone who fails to adhere to the media blackout. Never is the expression ‘Loose lips sink ships’ more apt in my opinion. Another reason why 15 is the magic number on a Stag Do. This way you can keep you’re core, trusted friends and family on your away trip. Phone and social media bans are a great idea. See ‘Loose Cannons’ above… If the revellers have responsibilities at home there’ no need for a total telephone ban. Designated times are a winner.

Cost

Back in my naïve days I asked for a small deposit, I covered the costs of activities, accommodation myself and everybody paid up on Day 1 of the Stag Do. Nowadays I organise a Stag Do by four main rules. 1) Ask people if they are interested when they are of sober mind and body. 2) Confirm places on the Do with a substantial deposit at least. If possible take the full amount (See above reference to Rocking Horse dung) 3) Use a reputable Stag Do company who take care of individual payments and activities (Check transport between hotel and activities are included within the price. We got stung once and missed Go-Karting as the hour long taxi ride cost more than a Kardashian wedding) or 4) Take care of the Wonga developments yourself with the use of a spreadsheet to show how much each member has paid so that all costs are covered and you don’t end up covering any costs out of your back pocket. A nice touch is if you add a small amount to each person’s cost. This way you will be able to pay for the Stag so that he goes for free.

Bride to-be’s input

A positive relationship with the Bride to-be will stand you in great stead as to having a less stressful experience on your journey of being a Best man. If the Bride is adamant that if you have a Stripper or go to a Lap Dancing establishment she will boil the nearest bunny, Bic her head and call off the wedding, it’s best to play the game and keep her sweet (See ‘Omerta’ and ‘Loose Cannon’) Trust me, you don’t want that kind of blood on your hands. A great way to involve the Bridal party and vice versa is to do a Mr & Mrs Quiz. The Best man can ask the Bride to-be in private and the Chief Bridesmaid can ask the Groom to-be. Questions can be as cheeky or as sensible as appropriate. Standard questions are Favourite positions; what possessions would you save in a fire; childhood pet’s names; favourite colour and embarrassing experiences. The best way to make this work in my experience is to gather the revellers at some point during the stag do and if the Stag answers correctly everyone drinks a few fingers of their bevy and if he Stag is wrong he drinks or has a fancy dress forfeit or physical/cringey challenge to complete.

In a nut-shell

Keep the Bride sweet, get deposits to guarantee places well in advance, tailor activities to the Stag’s tastes, random activities break up the drinking, keep tight lipped of any nonsense, gauge your Loose Cannons, 15 is the magic number of revellers to keep the group together and gain entry into pubs/bars, if you’re a majority single crew head to a University City (Edinburgh, Newcastle, Cardiff), go on a Bank Holiday (First Bank Holiday in May falls in University term time if there are singletons that want a cruise to the ‘Isle of Clitorati’ or August Bank Holiday if you’ve settled down as a group collective. You don’t have to take an extra day’s annual leave that way, it will be busier and use the impending ‘Home Stag Do’ leg’s Kangaroo Court as a tool for justice to keep any scoundrels in check.

Coming up.’ Stag Do – Journey to the centre of morality’. Away Stag Do. Home Stag Do. Etiquette. Drinking Games. Kangaroo Court. Pit falls, successes and “To Lap-dance or not to Lap-dance. That is the question” Keeping your head while everyone else around you don’t #Takeonefortheteam Hangover cures…