Home is where the ‘Smart’ is… ‘Home Stag Do’ continued.

Etiquette and Drinking Games.

As mentioned I’ve experienced over twenty Stag Do’s ranging from relatively sober affairs where we canoed by day, camped in a Tipi and supped away slow and steadily by night and other Do’s where we were as drunk as a Hillbillies in Moonshine season. Alcohol is not the be all and end all for a successful Do. As long as you have a laugh and you cater for the Groom and the majority’s tastes then you’ve got the Do by the Ging Gang Goolies. In my experience, gone are the days of tarring and feathering a nude Stag to a lamp post on a cold British night. Nowadays this torment is as pointless as putting ‘Racing Stripes’ on a Sloth as the Fuzz will be on to you faster than you can say “That looks like a penis, only smaller.”

What alcohol does bring to the table is a vehicle for lowering inhibitions. Old school classic drinking etiquette can be as harsh or as relaxed as the occasion requires. Winners for me have been Left Handed Drinking, a Ban on using first names; allocating a Freeze Master who randomly poses in an obscure manner and the last person to copy has to drink; a Thumb Master who stealthily places his thumb on a surface in plain sight and the last person to place their thumb down sups; naming an imaginary ‘Little man’ who is an inch tall and sits on the rim of your glass. You have to name him, lift him off the glass and place him on the table before you drink and you lift him back up onto his perch post slurp; other games include Fuzzy Duck (In a circle people repeat “Fuzzy Duck” in an allocated direction. If someone says “Does he?!” you change direction. For a more complex game please look up ‘Yeeha, ‘Pimmily’’ and ‘Spoof’ or sit in your local rugby club after a match and take notes. If you want to achieve the group decorum to pull off the drinking games successfully you need to allocate a ‘Snitch’ and a ‘Weights & Measures’ man. A Snitch has to keep an Eagle Eye out for any discrepancies to the rules and when a culprit has been spotted the Weights & Measures man allocates a fine of 1 to 4 fingers width worth of your beverage to be seen away. If you’re not feeling the love for full blown laddish Stag Do and just fancy getting steadily Ale’d up then a ’Kitty’ will suffice.

Kangaroo Court

All you will require is an appropriate, private space according on numbers. The mock court set-up requires an area for all the Stag Doers to sit/stand; ideally with a bar/access to alcohol; an area at the front where the ‘Judge’ sits with a record of Stag Do discrepancies and he keeps order. Nearby you will need a ‘Defence’ and a ‘Prosecutor’ to represent each individual who is called up to answer to the alleged offence. Examples I have witnessed include lateness, pulling an attractively challenged lady, splintering off from the group and the heinous act of disobeying the Social Media Blackout. The best punishments involve forfeits of embarrassment and ridicule.

Taking one for the team

The finest example I’ve seen of a Best man taking one for the team came on a Magaluf Stag Do in a pub where the Stag was escorted up onto the bar and posed on all fours while a sexy, yet masochistic senorita spanked his bare arse with a studded paddle. After the first strike the Stag hopped off the bar and was as useful as a ‘Chicken Dentist’. Like a drunken Knight in shining Board Shorts the Best man stepped up and the Groom ‘tagged out’. Several strikes later the Best man received a standing ovation and minced away. His arse resembled the Elephant man’s face for days. ‘Taking one for the team’ also occurs when a Best man hangs back on the drinking so that he can keep his wits about him should any mischiefs go awry. Some great pieces of advice are get ‘Beer Fit’ (think Rocky training montage), keep hydrated, book a day off following the Stag Dos return to reimburse the inevitable sleep debt, befriend all Bar Keeps and accommodation bosses and guard the ‘Kitty’ like it’s a new-born Panda.

Coming up.

An example of a ‘Numpty Proof’ Stag Do Guide Lanyard to keep the Stag Do as smooth as Arthur Fonzarello.

 

 

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