- No strippers
- No nudity
- No Night before
As a Best man, rocking a memorable Stag Do pitched to perfection can appear as tricky as convincing your nan that Movember is only for us guys without hurting her feelings. For a leg up look no further than the unique marvel of the good people at Maximise. They have the experience and the cahones to make sure that your Stag Do is one to be reveled in over many pints for years to come. Enjoy their guest blogging comedy gold.
Stag Pranks: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
“I’ll sleep better knowing my good friend is by my side to protect me” says Blondie in the classic western The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. It’s a sentiment echoed by a lot of grooms-to-be on a stag do, but unfortunately it’s usually the best friend you need to keep an eye on.
In the wake of one of the most sensational stag do pranks of all time, which saw Mark Longley from Croydon, the groom,have the pubic hair of the stags glued to his face on his stag do, the stag weekend company Maximise.co.uk have put together the ultimate list of stag pranks for the best man to take inspiration from. Whatever pranks you end up using though, from the playful through to the ‘he’s-going-to-kill-me-for-doing-this’, remember to pick wisely. After all, what goes around does inevitably come around, usually around the time of your stag do.
Not all pranks have to end in tears. Play nice with these fun pranks, guaranteeing a good story for the best man speech but minimising the fear of evil prank retribution on your own stag do.
- Sexy Hitchhiker: Only available in Eastern European countries (unsurprisingly), Maximise can organise a sexy twist to the classic hitchhiker hijack. The Sexy Hitchhiker package involves a prank straight from the plane. During the transfer from the airport to your hotel, your taxi driver will pick up a pretty girl looking for a ride. After some chit chat, the sexy hitchhiker will identify the stag and start a mini-cab strip to his surprise (and delight!)
- Blindfold Bungee: Get the stag to face his fear of heights with blind bungee. It’ll take a lot of planning and some convincing execution, but the results will be worth the effort. Ideally incorporate into an active adventure weekend so it’s less of a random request. Get the camera ready to film the results as you watch the blindfolded groom, complete in a bungee harness, take a blind leap of faith into the abyss, only to land in a paddling pool a couple of feet away. Watch these Norwegian lads execute this prank to perfection below.
Rabid Dog: For those who want to get truly barking mad on their stag weekend in Krakow… Got a stag who thinks he’s fearless? Get him to try our rabid dog chase! The rest of the lads will all stand back and watch the show as the stag gets baited by a K9 dog, who will hunt the stag down and latch on. Luckily enough the stag will be wearing protective gear and there will be a professional handler to keep things in order… maybe tell the stag to take a change of underwear just in case though!
- Novelty Stripper: Enjoy this hilarious stag prank on your stag weekend in Budapest… You and the lads can watch the look of delight on the stags face at the prospect of a gorgeous stripper turning up to do her thing turn in to something else completely as our ‘bubbly’ beauty shimmies up to the man of the moment for a 15 minute performance… This buxom stripper will give you and the lads a show that none of you will forget in a hurry…
If you’re looking to prank the stag with something a bit crueller, (maybe you want to get revenge for the pranks he organised for your stag?), then check out these lean and mean ideas.
- Stag Arrest: This prank works best if only one or two of you know it’s a stitch up – the reaction of his terrified groom’s men with really get the stag convinced they’re in trouble. Maximise’s Stag Arrest involves actual off-duty cops turning up to arrest your stag group on a misdemeanour charge. Those arrested will be taken away to a (now abandoned) police station that’s set up to look like a working station – there they’ll be interrogated until the prankster reveals all.
- Get on the weights son: After the stag has finished his packing, sneak a brick or two into his luggage. Watch him struggle and sweat with his bag – but if he asks you if his bag feels heavy to you, lift it up as if it’s light as a feather and tell him to ‘get on the weights son’.
- Busk-a-groom: Take the groom’s money and possessions, give him a guitar and force him to busk for his beer money.
- Team Betrayal: Stuck for fancy dress ideas on a stag do? These Birmingham lads knew the outfit that would humiliate their West Brom supporting stag the most – the Wolves football kit! Getting the stag kitted out in the colour of his team’s nemesis is definitely going to wind him up a treat.
If it’s no-holds barred prank carnage you’re after, (and you’re prepared for your best mate to not speak to you until after the wedding), here are some more ugly stunts to consider.
- Sexy stripper swap: Halfway through the stag’s striptease, have the female stripper blindfold him. She steps away to let a male stripper take over, unbeknownst to the stag. You’ll have some excellent, extortion-worthy video of the stag enjoy an outrageous lap dance from an oiled-up muscle man.
- Destination Unknown: Lower the expectations of the groom by convincing him you’re headed to a cheap-but-cheerful party town. Pack everyone up on the National Express and watch the groom pretend he’s not disappointed he’s not headed to Vegas or Ibiza. You can play the big reveal in the naff location by heading straight to the city’s airport and getting on an airplane out of there! (Just don’t forget the stag’s passport…)
- Preacher gotta preach: Dress the stag as a religious figure, complete with bible, and he only gets a beer if and when he can get pedestrians to say Amen. Be careful how far you push religious dress up though; if you’re in a religious country you don’t want to upset any locals with blasphemous behaviour. After all, who can forget the stag group who dressed up as naughty nuns in Malia, only to be arrested and locked up for the night in a local Greek jail!
- Brown fudgies: Quite literally, the ugliest prank of them all. Anything involving laxatives is never going to end well. Before you bring poop-inducing pills into the prank equation though, remember that someone’s going to have to clean it up and have to explain the mess to the hotel manager.
In my experience in the roles of being a Best man and an Usher it’s unbelievable how much pressure is on the Bride in particular to look her best on her Wedding day and as a general rule the Groom can rock up, don a fancy suit, brush his locks and his work is pretty much done. There’s also an abundance of pressure for the Bride to look her best for the Wedding photos which will serve as a snap-shot reminder of the day until death do you part from your Hubby-licious. Therefore the last thing you want is for a framed picture of your Wedding day to be placed on your mantelpiece as a safety precaution to scare any kid’s away from playing too close to the fire.
In life we have two routes to our goal; commit and go the distance or look for a shortcut. When it comes to lasting results in terms of body conditioning there is no such thing as a ‘lasting’ short cut. In order to give all you beautiful Brides-to-be out there the best advice possible I have picked the brains of gym owner, Personal Trainer and all round top bloke Josh Griffiths of JG Performance. Josh’ gym is situated in Three Cocks, near Talgarth in Mid-Wales. He has been running High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) Boot Camps for the last few years. (HIIT training basically means working hard in short bursts of vigour sandwiched with recovery periods) They involve Boot Campers committing to three 45 minute weekly sessions over a period of a month. Josh recommends that if you want to make significant, noticeable progress you must commit to at least 12 weeks of HIIT training and clean living. He champions positive long term lifestyle changes over quick fixes.
Before you even begin Josh emphasises the importance you need to ask ‘What am I trying to achieve?’ and to be SMART. (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and work to a Timescale) At the Boot Camps Josh uses a combination of calisthenics (Body Weight exercises) such as squats, crunches and skipping married up with Kettle-Bell exercises, shuttle runs and all things High Intensity. The benefits of a Boot Camp is that you have contemplated the idea, now you’ve paid your hard earned cash committing you to a month’s camp and motivation will be on tap as you will be a member of a team of women who all have a common goal. Josh pointed out that one of the main factors to making the most out of this training opportunity is the camaraderie that develops within the group dynamic. ‘Sisters are doing it for themselves.’
From a nutritional point of view Josh suggests eating a protein based breakfast and post work out proteins and carbs and always keep hydrated. If you’re sessions are early morning efforts then Josh suggests using an Amino Acid supplement with breakfast because your body is still fasting as you haven’t eaten since the previous night and you will end up burning muscle tissue instead of fats which undoes all of your well-intended hard graft. Nobody is suggesting that you live like a monk and ‘It’s all about the gains, about the gains no Vino.’ In moderation Alcohol brings lowered inhibitions and a temporary stress relief to proceedings and in excess it comes with empty calories, dehydration and hangovers. Clean living and HIIT training successes come hand in hand. What you put into the Boot Camp is what you will get out of it.
In a nutshell
Be SMART with your goals. Decide if it’s long term health improvement gains you’re after or a short term journey to look good for the framed Wedding photo or for the Honeymoon Instagram poolside and Cocktail Bikini ‘Belfie’. Hydration is vital to good health. Avoid the caffeine in energy drinks, tea and coffee. Depending on your current physical shape you will need (at the very least) 12 weeks ideally with a consultation with a Personal Trainer, take the Boot Camp challenge and most of all take the HIIT.
Find out more information on JG Performance here
In order to get the best advice possible I approached Josh Griffiths from JG Performance. Josh lives and breathes conditioning, nutrition and has a state of the art Gym in Three Cocks near Talgarth, Mid Wales which meets all the criteria required to sculpt and tone your body to reach your desired goals.
Josh suggested that before you take the first step onto the road of becoming an Adonis for your Wedding Day you need to ask yourself what do you want to achieve and why are you going to train? Do you want to get into shape for the wedding photos and for Speedo honeymoon selfies or do you want to adopt a healthier lifestyle so that you can maintain a good physique and be healthier in the long term? He mentioned the SMART principle. Be Specific, Measure progress, plan on Achievable targets, be Realistic and have an appropriate Time-scale in mind. He suggests a minimum of a 12 week window to reach a substantial and noticeable improvement. As some engagements can last for a year before the Big Day it’s a case of the ‘sooner the better’ if you want to address body shape change.
In order to maximize your potential, Josh highly recommends approaching a reputable Personal Trainer for a consultation to discuss your current state of health and how to go about making realistic goals. This way a programme can be established to ensure you will look as cut as ribbon at an opening ceremony.
To lose fat and gain muscle tone Josh suggests using a combination of using weights and HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). There are few benefits from spending hours at a time in the gym when with the use of HIIT you can be done and dusted in 40 minutes. In layman’s terms it consists of working at a high tempo with short breaks in between. We all lead busy lives, be it our work load, kiddywinkles, social lives or general commitments. Therefore to commit enough time to reach your fitness goals requires a bit of juggling. From a nutritional point of view Josh suggests eating a protein based breakfast and post work out proteins and carbs and always keep hydrated. If you can only fit in pre-work sessions Josh suggests using an Amino Acid supplement with breakfast because your body is still fasting as you haven’t eaten since the previous night and you will end up burning muscle tissue instead of fats which undoes all of your well-intended hard graft.
In a nutshell
Be SMART with your goals. Decide if it’s long term health improvement gains you’re after or a short term journey to look good for the framed Wedding photo that will be on your mantelpiece for the rest of your happily married life and your Honeymoon Instagram Banana Hammock poolside selfie. A great way to make a realistic target is to sign up for a 10k race, a Mud Run or a Tough Mudder event in advance so that you have specific motivation. Josh has entered groups of gym-goers on these events in the past as it gives people focus, it’s a good laugh and it’s an accomplishment along your journey of becoming more ripped. Hydration is vital to good health. Avoid the caffeine in energy drinks, tea and coffee. Depending on your current physical shape you will need (at the very least) 12 weeks ideally with a consultation with a Personal Trainer and most of all take the HIIT.
If you’re reading this, chances are you are planning your speech as the Groom-to-be. God Speed to you Sir, you are about to embark upon an adventure of Columbus proportions. When you get the opportunity to stand up, mic and prompt cue cards in hand, gather your composure and speak to the entire wedding procession rest assured that you are only expected to make a brief stab at a speech so no need to stress. Just cover the basics and Robert’s your mother’s brother and Fanny’s your aunt. f you are adopting traditional wedding speech etiquette then the first batter up will be your new Father in-law; then it’s your time to shine followed by some squeaky bum time as the Best man gets to take a pop at the champ. Of the Groom’s speeches I have seen, the majority have been a brief five minute affair which are conveniently dissected into six key points below. You’ve got enough on your plate with the wedding preparations so get your Tablet or if you’re an elder statesman reach for the note pad and Parker Ball-point Pen and jot away.
1) Your opening line needs to set the tone. So if you’re going for a light-hearted humouress approach throw in a gag early doors. Such as “I was hoping to make a short speech and was just reminded by the Father of the Bride that this is a rare opportunity when my wife and my mother in-law are expected to sit in silence and not interrupt so I shall take my sweet time and make the most of it”.
2) Butter up the guests (after all they have played their part in refurbishing your home or they are paying for your honeymoon) welcome and thank them for playing their part on such an important day for you and your ball n chain.
3) Express your thanks to the ‘out-laws’ for not only contributing financially to the wedding; also for supporting you both through the planning of the wedding. Last and most certainly not least thank them for producing and raising the angel that is your beautiful Bride.
4) Time to add an affectionate nod to your parents for their contribution to the day, for raising you and for welcoming your missus into the family.
5) Share with the room how much you love your gorgeous wife; how grateful you are to have her in your life, pay homage to her amazing qualities and share how you’re looking forward to a happy and healthy future together.
6) Finally, thank the Ushers, Page Boy/Flower Girl and the Best man (perfect time to embarrass the Best man before he makes you squirm) and conclude with a toast to the beautiful Bridesmaids (you may need a little artistic license here).
In a nutshell
The wedding package as a whole can be ridiculously stressful if you let it get on top of you. In the words of the legendary Mr Van Wilder “Worrying is like sitting in a Rocking Chair. It gives you something to do but it gets you nowhere.” Be positive in the knowledge that you’ve made it. What’s an additional five minutes of reading aloud? The hard part’s done so enjoy the ‘End Zone Touchdown’ celebrations and prepare yourself for your roasting at the hands of the gent you have handpicked out of everybody you know to be your right hand man in your hour of need. To tackle any unwanted nerves see our speech de-stressor blog and live the dream. Go get em tiger.
Speaking from the perspective of the weddings I have had the pleasure of cutting shapes at; the core ingredient for shenanigans is Lucifer’s sauce. I have collared one half of welsh based Malthouse Bars’ Mr Jordan Curran to share his experiences through sober eyes from behind the bars of the many wedding receptions they have attended.
Jordan shared that ‘at the risk of sounding cheesy’ it’s always nice to be a part of someones Special Day as people are generally up for a good time and they are never boring because each Do is unique. We asked him to share his top tips, most annoying habits, ideal guests and general anecdotal gems.
The old adage of ‘The customer is always right’ is the top of Jordan’s customer service priorities. Malthouse Bars are located near Talgarth in mid-Wales and due to positive word of mouth they are booked at wedding venues as far a field as North Wales, Gloucester and beyond. Top tips for happy couples booking a wedding bar is to avoid choosing random welcome drinks or Beers on tap on the basis that a few members of their family have a lot of love for a certain rare Belgium Ale that is casked by Monks on the second week of every leap year. You can’t please everybody all of the time so he advises to choose booze which travels well and will please the majority. Having said that Jordan feels he is happy to go the extra mile if the client is willing to go the extra dollar as he’s people pleaser and generally a ruddy nice bloke.
Most annoying things
Jordan dislikes it when there is ‘Heavy Traffic’ at the bar. In layman’s terms when people order their drinks and then sup away while parked at the bar it makes it trickier for other people to get served than asking a Poodle to give you a ‘Thumbs Up’. Another pet peeve of his occurs when guests try to haggle with him over the cost of drinks.
Jordan shared that things get really interesting when the wave of wedding day drunkards meets the sensible and sober evening folk. On the whole the evening party guests tend to hit the ’Catch up’ Jaeger trail and come the Wedding Party’s Chicken Dance finale the majority of all revelers are more sozzled than a hungry Elk in an out of season Orchard.
Jordan recalled that at one particular wedding, tipsy members climbed up on to the bar and boogied away like Swayze. He shared that unfortunately one guest (there’s always one) who happened to be especially rotund and hairy to-boot clambered up and only for the sturdy Welsh Oak bar a disaster was averted. Jordan said it bowed a tad and thankfully the pleasantly plump soul burned himself out with his over exuberance. Some birds weren’t mean’t to soar.
Another time a guest was so pickled they attempted to buy a round with a Morrisons’ Miles voucher to no avail. ‘Every little helps.’ My favourite experience Jordan shared came about when he asked the married couple-to-be whether they wanted to invent and name a Cocktail to be sold on their Wedding night. They were asked to name it after a precious & romantic moment they had shared that reminds them of happy times together. The scamps decided upon ‘Sex On The Golf course’. Love is patient, love is kind, love is driving one into the rough & bagging a hole in one.
In a nutshell
Choosing a Wedding Bar with a reputation of stress free efficiency will save you a whole world of bother. If you try and save a few quid by supplying your own welcome drinks or table wines then that’s all well and good until you arrange the refrigeration, glassware, glass washing and corkage. Of all the days in your life this is one where you don’t need to invite additional hassle and stress. Malthouse Bars are a first class, customer centered business and you can read more about them by following this link. http://malthousebars.co.uk
How to write a Groom’s speech.