Stag Do Drinks feature. The Good, The Bad & The Fugly.

Stag do drinks

Best Man Beacon featured in a Stag Do drinks guide.
Here at Best Man Beacon we are experts when it comes to Stag Dos and recently we were asked to share our knowledge in an article about Stag do drinks: the best and the worst, which recently was published on stag do organisers PissUp.com’s website.
Our very own Baz Price was quoted in the piece saying, “Alcohol is not the ‘be all and end all’ for a successful do. As long as you have a laugh and you cater for the Groom and the majority’s tastes then you’re cooking on gas. What alcohol does bring to the table is a vehicle for lowering inhibitions which can bond a group tighter than a Nun’s Nasty.”
The guide looked at the best and worst drinks you can try on a stag party. Making up the best drinks list were Pilsner Urquell, Staropramen, Amstel, Dreher, Guinness, and Vodka and Lemonade.
In terms of the worst drinks you can try, the guide included some really nasty concoctions such as a drink called the Chocolate Spider. This drink contains 10 shots and a Mars Bar that the person downing it has to eat.
Other drinks to avoid, according to the piece, included The Smoker’s Cough, The Bath Cure, Motor Oil, Prairie Oyster and Bourbon Treat. These are all real drinks as well!

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‘The Wedding Guy-Way Code’ publishing pitch.

Here’s my pitch for a potential publishing project called ‘The Wedding Guy-Way Code’. Cheers.

A synopsis detailing the purpose, scope and intention of the project; Chapter breakdown showing the proposed structure of the book; Consumer profile defining the target market;
Some sample text to show writing and presentation style;
your qualifications and credentials for writing the book;

Synopsis.
The premise of The Wedding Guy-Way Code is to make one of life’s potentially most stressful experiences a lot more manageable and enjoyable.
Why buy a copy of The Wedding Guy-Way Code? Because every aspect of the Groom, Best Man, Usher and Father of the Bride’s responsibilities are presented in a bite sized format. One of the most dreaded responsibilities for the guys involved in a Wedding is the speech. We cover everything from overcoming nerves, breaking down the structure of speeches so that you can personalise them and also have Groom, Best man and Father of the Bride speech plans.
What qualifies me to pipe up and offer wedding advice? I have been fortunate to have been a Best Man on four occasions, an Usher several times, a Master of Ceremonies and have written more speeches and tutored more Best Men, Groom’s, Ushers and Bridesmaids than you can shake a flute of Prosecco at.
We will also delve into the potentially mucky and murky world of the Stag Do…. We cover such subjects as To Lap-Dance or not to Lap-Dance?! How to handle loose-cannons; Keeping the Bride to-be sweet and the ‘Must Dos and Do nots’.
You may think that this armours any guy for any potential nuptial trapdoors on the Wedding journey ahead. Well my friend you may well be mistaken as we also cover three Survival Guides. Number 1 ‘Bridezilla’. Number 2 ‘The Mother in-law’ and Number 3 ‘The Wedding Fayre’. Just for good measure we give you a leg-up in the wedding night leg-over stakes so that you consummate your wedding like a champ and also talk about handling Cold Feet if you’re struggling to keep your balance on the marital plank.
If you Google ‘Weddings’ you will quickly realise that 99% of sites you find are specifically geared at the Bride to-be and us guys are expected to turn up, be as chilled as a Jamaican Yogi and pull off a legendary speech. The Wedding Guy-Way Code is here to be your Fool Proof Guide on all that is the wedding. We will be your shining beacon on the night shores of a stormy squall. Good luck and just remember ‘When in Rome…’

Premise.
The premise of this book is best summed up by one of my favourite actors, the late, great Mr Chris Farley from the film ‘Tommy Boy’. “You can get a great view of a T-Bone by sticking your head up a bull’s ass but I’d rather take the Butcher’s word for it.” In other words I’ll be your Butcher. You can ask lots of people, aimlessly search the internet for jokes and toasts or hunt on YouTube for hours of Best Man speeches or you can save yourself a lot of time and have a gander at the pages ahead. Here you can get everything you need to know about organising a Stag Do, a break down on Best Man responsibilities and advice on composing a Best Man, Groom and Father of the Bride speech.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been asked to be a Best Man. This is either exciting for you or filling you full of dread. The way I look at it, it’s like being asked to ride at a Rodeo. You ride her until she bucks you or you don’t ride her at all. Just remember if you feel it’s too overwhelming you’ve always got the Ushers (Rodeo Clowns) to help you out. I hope my advice will be a beacon for you to achieve some sense in the wilderness that is the chaotic pressured world of being a Groom, Best Man, Usher and Father of the Bride. More so, if you learn from my successes and cock-ups you will pull off all expectations in your stride with the strut of a young Travolta.
I am going to share all the pearls of wisdom I have learned through trial and error over the years. It’s a total honour to be asked to be the ‘Glue’ for the biggest day of a people’s lives. A day which they and their families will remember for the rest of their lives. No worries then… I’m going to share advice to ease the pressure so that you can be confident in knowing that all bases are covered whatever your responsibilities.

Chapter Breakdown
Introduction – As above in the Synopsis and Premise.

The Stag Do – We look at every aspect of organizing, planning and pulling off a successful home and away Stag Do.
Tackling Speech Nerves and Preparation – We break down and offer bite size advice on relaxation and preparation.

Planning your Best Man and Groom Speech – I use my experience of speeches as well as the advice I have given to dozens of Best Men and Grooms I have tutored. Including a specific, traditional itemized plan to ensure all bases are covered.
The Role of the MC – Step By Step guide on how to successfully fulfill the role of the wedding Master of Ceremonies.

Managing the Wedding Day – A Wedding Day timeline focusing on your expectations as a Best Man and Groom, including pieces of advice to keep the day stress-free and manageable.

The Role of the Groomsmen – ‘The Usher’s Parable’ is a comical look at how to be a successful Groomsman and how to avoid common blips and disasters.

Popular School Boy Errors (Getting Married Abroad and a Vegas Wedding.) – An insight into classic faux pas for the Groom and Best Man including pre-nuptial disasters, Spray Tanning mishaps, Pros and Cons of overseas Weddings and a glimpse at the highs and lows of a Las Vegas Wedding.

Potential Potholes in the Road (Bridezilla, Mother in Law and the Wedding Fayre) – A comprehensive Survival Guide for a Bunny Boiling Bride, a loco Mother-In-Law and the dreaded Wedding Fayre.
Consummation – A leg up on getting your leg over. Practical pointers on being a legend on your Wedding night.

Mr Cold Feet – Advice on attaining a calm and relaxed emotional state if any potential doubts sneak in.
Final Thoughts

Consumer profile defining the target market

Since we set up my Best Man Tips website bestmanbeacon.com in October 2014 I can confidently say that there is a niche in the Wedding industry for men. We have uploaded 36 Blogs since we began culminating in nearly 4,000 visitors and over 6,000 views. I have written and tutored approximately 20 Best Men, Grooms, Father of the Brides and Bridesmaids over this time. I have also been approached by Wedding Venues, Wedding photographers, members of the Fitness industry and Stag Companies to facilitate Guest Blogs.
The vast majority of social media, magazines and society are blatantly geared towards the ladies. Therefore guys have to rely on word of mouth or searching the internet to find the advice and information they need to fulfil their wedding responsibilities. We offer a handy short-cut for guys and allow them to access all they need to know all in one place. A ‘One Stop Shop’ if you like.
We have always focused on sharing all the relevant information a man requires for his wedding duties from a comical perspective delivering a balance between practical advice and quirky humour.
Our target market are Grooms, Best Men, Groomsmen/Ushers and Fathers of the Bride. As it’s a manual, it’s an ideal purchase as a gift from partners who want to help their other halves to prepare for upcoming wedding responsibilities too.
The role of the Best Man is intrinsic to a successful, stress free Wedding Day (Wedding build up). We offer advice on the whole journey from the Stag Do, the Wedding day responsibilities, all the way past the speech and beyond.
Any information you can supply on other books in the same area and how yours is different or better
We have had 6,120 views of our blogs on bestmanbeacon.com to date and have been approached by Stag Do and Wedding Venue guest bloggers who have all shared that it’s difficult for men to be included and float in an industry saturated in favour of the ladies. I have attended Wedding Fayres in a speech writing service capacity, ran workshops at wedding Fayres and it’s glaringly obvious that wedding services are almost completely geared towards the Bride. The feedback I have experienced is that we offer something completely unique within the industry.
Therefore I think ‘The Wedding Guy-Way Code’ can be a comical manual for guys to have a niche voice in a one sided market. I have seen a variety of Best Man Speech books which are fairly dry and helpful for the speech. I haven’t seen anything as entertaining and comprehensive as our book. I think it’s a unique statement that can stand out among the Wedding book market. It’s fun, different and extremely useful.
Some sample text to show writing and presentation style

‘NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION’ when it comes to HANDLING PRE-SPEECH NERVES. Here’s HOW TO BE AS COOL AS THE PROVERBIAL CUCUMBER AND NOT SHUDDER LIKE A DEFECATING POOCH.

The immense crippling nerves that are commonly associated with public speaking and Best Man speeches in particular are one of life’s conundrums. Such as, why is the ‘Letter S’ in the word ‘Lisp’? Why is the word ‘Dyslexic’ a high scoring Scrabble word? Why does Coke taste better out of a glass bottle than out of a can? Why does a dog feel confident to attack a moving car yet if a vacuum cleaner is turned on near them they freak out more than a wine connoisseur finding out a novice wine taster is chewing bubble-gum? It’s more annoying than the incorrect overuse of the word ‘literally’ or the incorrect use of the word ‘pacific’ instead of ‘specific’. Without being pacific this literally drives me nuts. Some things in this universe are just too loco to comprehend and the list is longer than an MP’s expense claim form.

Don’t let the speech become the Elephant in the room. The best way at combating ‘Best Man speech’ nerves is to approach it like this; ‘If you always prepare in the same way you’ve always prepared then you will always achieve what you’ve always achieved.’ Therefore if you have a negative experience in memory then approach this speech differently and treat it as a positive opportunity and not like an Albatross around your neck.
If you have crippling nerves regarding the speech then I suggest stripping everything down and approaching this opportunity differently. If you’ve suffered from nerves on a similar occasion previously then try to remember your body’s symptoms at the peak of the nerves. Common symptoms are erratic breathing, an increase in heart rate, sweating and the desire drop anchor in Pooh Bay. How you feel? (anxious, scared, trapped, isolated) and what you think? (I’m going to have a mare; I’m going to be a laughing stock; everyone knows I’m petrified) both marry up together as a negative behaviour (Common bodily symptoms above). Nerves will be a thing of the past if you feel (excited, confident, relaxed) and think (What’s the worst that could happen?! I’m not going to die up here. I’m prepared. I’ll do it like I practiced. It’s going to be a laugh and a chance to wind my mate up) then you will behave in a more confident, positive way and you will be in control.
An option which always chills me out is Yoga. I’m not suggesting for a second that you buy some incense, hug the nearest Oak Tree and start wearing linen trousers. Yoga classes focus on breathing, relaxing and focusing your mind. Once you get used to the old downward facing hound you will find ways of focusing your breathing and heart rate so that you can overcome stressful situations. When you’ve overcome the misconception that Yoga classes are full of hippies and flatulent OAPs consider these two words. Yoga Pants… The whole point is to approach the whole ’Best Man experience’ differently and in a positive way which works for you as an individual.
In bygone Best Man speeches I have witnessed, seemingly confident people fall apart at the microphone faster than a counterfeit Optimus Prime. One Best Man forgot to number his speech cards; he managed to drop them and cocked up his card order. He cracked on in a flustered, chaotic manner for 10 seconds or so and then had to sit down and the Groom tentatively had a crack at the title. It’s the closest thing to human Jenga that I’ve ever seen, the poor guy just crumbled and collapsed before our very eyes.
Another Best Man took Dutch courage to a whole new level. He drank so much he even sounded Dutch “I’d like you to all be upshtanding for a toasht.” With a few ‘F – Bombs’ thrown in willy-nilly I can safely say that he was as much use as a glove on a foot. I always have a hip flask on go on the Wedding day with my usual tipple of Mr Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum or Mrs Disaronno (other tipples are available). That way the Groom and I can have a cheeky swill to take the edge off if required. I find that a half a dozen slugs of Lucifer’s fiery sauce will suffice. If this is favourable to you then remember to pace yourself, particularly if the speeches are after the food. It can be a long shift so take it steady and don’t peak too “Shoon”.

‘BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL’ PAY ATTENTION TO BEST MAN SPEECH PREPARATION.

Before you tackle the components of a Best Man speech such as clarity, pronunciation, volume/projection, timing, topics and natural flow it’s wise to prepare as best as possible. Not everyone is comfortable with public speaking and this can breed negativity if you allow it to. From the world of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy this frame of mind is best described as a ‘NAT’. A ‘Negative Automatic Thought’ (Aaron T Beck). It’s the negative contemplation that your Best Man speech is undoubtedly going to be an utter and total shower of scheize. It’s the whole ‘Glass Half Full’ philosophy which you need to adopt. I attended a Solution Focused Brief Therapy seminar several years ago and as a result of that one day I deleted the word ‘But’ from my vocabulary. ‘But’ implies possible doubt and is ambiguous. For example if you say “I’m going to try my best with the speech but if it goes wrong I’m going to look like a penis and ruin the day.” As long as you plan and prepare the Best Man speech in ample time and follow the advice I give then you will be a success. After all, what’s the worst that can happen? You’re not going to die up there and the vast majority of guests will be rooting for you to do well. If you cover all the bases I’m about to share then you will be successful. Hakuna matata.
By nature I tend to mumble like a drunk octogenarian who’s awoken abruptly for the Queen’s speech when I talk and can speak very quickly when I’m excited to share something; particularly concerning naughtiness. All I do, is consciously slow my pace down and pronounce each word clearly. On the run up to the speech I record a practice run and watch it back to assess if there’s any areas I need to improve upon.
The 5 basic breakdown points of a Best Man speech are as follows :-
Compliments.
Thanks.
Share how and when they met. Include funny memories of them together.
Share stories of Groom’s Childhood, Teenage years and adult life.
Toast the new couple.
It’s best to approach this plan with the ‘SMART’ principle.
S – pecific
M –  easurable
A – chievable
R – ealistic
T – ime related
Specific
When complimenting during your speech, focus on how amazing the Bride and Bridesmaids look today (You may have to use a little artistic license at this point sometimes) Remember to congratulate the Flower Girls and Page Boys on a fantastic job if any are involved. This is an ideal time to perhaps read out any Wedding Cards from relatives who couldn’t make it or raise a toast to absent friends or family. Run this past the Bride and Groom so that you have the accurate information.
In terms of sharing how and when they met it’s best to use specific occasions and milestones to give a little extra sincerity and meaning. Include funny anecdotes of them together. Focussing how they met and ‘fell in love’ is a great jumping off point. Share memorable (ideally funny) stories of the Groom’s childhood, teenage years and adult life.
Measureable
I would initiate measuring from two angles. Firstly look at the overall timescale from being asked to be Best Man and the Wedding day. Trust me if you do an Ostrich and bury your head in the sand you are just turning the heat up on the pressure cooker. Be proactive and have the ‘5 Basic Breakdown Points’ written down as soon as you can. Then use the SMART principles and Bob’s your uncle and Fanny’s your aunt.
Secondly I have found that around 10 minutes is ample time to cover the ‘5 Basic Breakdown Points’ in your speech.
Achievable
If this amount of time seems like an eternity then I would encourage you to tap up other members of the Wedding party to ease the pressure. Some examples are allowing the Groom to say a few thank yous; perhaps the Chief Bridesmaid/sister would like to say a few words or read a poem or one of the Ushers may have a story they would like to share (They could speak themselves or write it down for you to relay). As long as you’ve covered the 5 areas then it’s a job well done.
Realistic
Just because you’ve seen another Best Man speech with an elaborate dance routine or show tune number it doesn’t mean you have to compete. If you fancy a ‘Crack at the Title’ then all you have to consider is the preparation time and the skills required. If you can implement a musical number, a slide-show or something that goes above and beyond then I recommend that at points 3) or 4) are your times to shine. Sandwiched by Thank yous, compliments and the concluding Toast.
Timescale
This underpins your whole planning stage from being asked to be Best Man to the Wedding Breakfast. You can view the time you have in the know as time to worry or time to plan. See ‘7 Ps’; ‘5 Basic Breakdown points’; ‘SMART Principles’ and most importantly think positively. When I have the meat to the bones of my plan I tend to record myself on my phone video recorder a week or so prior to the big day to see if I have open and relaxed body language. If possible look up from your notes occasionally and look toward the Bride and Groom to give a personal touch. Above all the most important elements to your speech after you have settled on the contents is the ‘Volume’ and the ‘Clarity’.
THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO CONSUMMATING YOUR MARRIAGE

Consummating your nuptials to confirm to the ‘Big Man’ that you’re really, really, super, seriously committed.
Consummation is defined as ‘the action of making a marriage or relationship complete by having sexual intercourse.’ One thing that the internet has taught me apart from Charlie is a Cannibal, a Panda is petrified of it’s own sneeze and that two freaky ladies should not be left alone with one cup is that apparently only 48% of married couples consummate their marriage on their wedding night. Say what??
It’s kind of like a holy metaphorical ména trois having Mr Omnipotent guy on his cloud tutting until you seal the deal. Ironically this notion taken literally would probably make you Mr Impotent. I can imagine that as a Groom when you’re going at it like Billy-o there’s nothing like an old bearded guy in a robe to really turn you on for the first time you’re making sweet, sweet, love to your angelic, untouched, gorgeous wife. It’s also likely to be the first and last time that you are contractually obligated to honour an agreement by having sex with someone.
Going balls deep.
I have known many a Groom who have gone ‘balls deep’ with the alcohol on their Wedding day. There are many reasons for this. Perhaps they suck back on the old sauce bottle to counteract crippling nerves of making a speech; to numb the pain of listening to the Best Man’s character assassination of him; posing for countless snaps in cheesy un-natural positions; the fear of soberly cutting some shapes in front of everyone for the first dance; a feeling of impending doom of never, ever, ever docking in far away bays on the ‘Isle of Clitorati’ ever again; it’s a rare happy occasion to share celebrations with loved ones; free drinks are trickier to avoid than Candy Crush requests or perhaps the Groom simply gets swept away with the unique, awesome experience.
I can all too easily recall a Wedding where the Groom had made a boo-boo in the tailoring department regarding his trousers. I lost count of how many times he hoiked his trousers up throughout the day. By the evening he was more oiled than the Tin Man, he lost his patience while standing at the bar and he dropped trou where he stood. As the Best Man that day I went above and beyond and legged it across the dance floor and pulled his trousers back up. Thankfully this was pre facebook and Intagram days so any embarrassing Belfies were avoided. Suffice to say this excitable farmer did not plough any meadows on his wedding night.

Textbook Groom decorum
Arguably a ‘Perfect Groom’ would be sober, happy, dapper, capable of striking a ‘Blue Steel’ Duck Pout at the drop of a Top Hat, able to bust out moves like Jagger and able to consummate the marriage with all the gusto of a burly Alaskan Lumberjack splitting some seasoned kindling.
Carrying the Bride over the threshold
In these modern fast food, fast living times obesity levels have never been so high. If your beautiful Bride is on the pleasantly plump side and you’re as sturdy as a wet flannel then perhaps a little role reversal could champion the feminist ways and introduce some equality to proceedings. Perhaps the Bride could carry the Groom through the front door-way instead. Either way nobody likes a slipped disc so don’t be a hero. Play to your strengths. God speed.
Brewer’s droop
The ‘Brewers Droop’ occurs when the gent has consumed too much alcohol resulting in a flaccid mini-gent, detrimental to the required consummation. The best and least romantic description I’ve heard of the wedding night’s ‘Beast with two backs’ antics was from a Groom who termed it as “It was like trying to thread a cooked piece of Spaghetti through a key hole.” Apparently he technically consummated his nuptials by subtly and tactfully using a ‘handy’ prop as scaffolding. Where there’s a willy there’s a way some might say. Thumbs up to that innovator.

In a nut shell
If you put a legendary shift in on your Wedding night then for the rest of your marital days whenever you are feeling amorous and trying to negotiate a cheeky roll in the hay you can always softly drop into conversation, “Hey, remember our wedding night?” Alternatively if you’re passed out like a drunk hobo then your missus will never, ever let you forget it and resentment has probably already set in. According to the fallen few, loving tends to diminish post Wedding day and can be as dry as a Sahara Desert Camel Farmer’s sandal; so make hay while the sun shines fellas.
Living the Las Vegas dream…

As to Alan’s historical conundrum “Did Caesar actually live here?” The search for truth continues.
This is my account of my Best Man experience number three for my legend of a cousin. Viva Las Vegas, you are a monumental slice of incredible.
Ta-ta Wales, hola U, S of A. Every one of my senses were titillated to the max by Planet Vegas. We landed around 9pm Nevada time, dropped our luggage off at the ‘Vdara’ and ‘The Wynne’ respectively and within half an hour I was attacking a ‘Half a Yard’ of beer at Planet Hollywood like a new-born to a breast.

Everywhere I looked, everything I heard, tasted and touched was a little slice of “Wa-wa-weewa”. Just incredibly barmy and magnificent. I hit the ground scampering like a toddler at a Petting Zoo. Everything is so absurdly over the top that my little brain couldn’t keep up. Just to add an extra banana skin to the weak minded and easily influenced gentleman there are no clocks anywhere. Everything is bright 24/7 and I swear they must pump oxygen in as alertness levels were Meerkat-esque. The Cocktail Waitresses were hotter than a leather convertible car seat on a mid-summer’s afternoon, you are plied with free drinks as long as you are gambling and the question “Would you like a drink Sir?” to which I replied “You bet.” Grew thin on several Cocktail waitresses throughout my week. Oh well, when in Rome.
I spent three days livin la vida loca until the Wednesday lunch time when I crashed ‘Mr Magoo’ style half way through my Club Sandwich. My body’s internal switch was turned off faster than a male lover being called their father’s name among the throes of passion. After an extended trip to the ‘Land of Nod’ in my King Sized bed in my bedroom which had a glass wall overlooking part of The Strip. I was ready to attach the wheels back on to the wagon and have another bite at the Vegas cherry, just in time for the Wedding preparation.
The Stag Do consisted of a cheeky visit to Mandalay Bay to watch an Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) event. Not too shabby I might add. An electric atmosphere, gifted sports people and pints of Rum made for a ruddy ace experience. The ladies ventured to a Cirque De Soleil tumbling spectacular for their Hen Do which they loved too.

The wedding took place on the Friday in the Wynne’s wedding chapel. The atmosphere and environment were opulent and classy. The hotel wedding crew were so professional, stress free and tailored the day to the couple’s requests. The morning of the wedding was arguably the most chilled out Wedding day preparation I’ve ever experienced. It was Makeover o’clock for the ladies while the Groom and I had a few steady tipples and played a little Roulette. The wedding was uploaded live on the tinternet so that the family could all watch it back home in the UK and my duties consisted of the basic formalities of looking after the wedding rings and making a congratulatory toast post wedding breakfast. Simples.

The only negative experience I had was that I got hit on a number of times each and every night by women who am not ashamed to say were solid 9’s compared to my ‘6 on a good hair day’. “Poor old you.” I hear you say. The conversations usually took the path of “I love your British accent” “Wow you must look after yourself” “Are you going to buy me a drink” to “So, I’m $300 for the first hour then $250 dollars for each additional hour”. They were ‘Ladies of the Night’ (or Ladies of the day, it was hard to know without a clock) If you don’t weigh in, you don’t Wrestle. I had no intentions of weighing in and my self-esteem was lowered no end. On numerous occasions I was nearly caught in a trap and by the end of the week I couldn’t tell if I was coming or going when talking to women. Were they ‘Painted Ladies’ or just tipsy hot women who were lowering their standards a tad? Eenie meenie miney ‘Pro’… One thing’s for sure, I had a suspicious mind with each and every conversation.

“You’re only supposed to blow the bloody wedding shoot.” Mr Caine offered his congratulation during the Wedding photos, no big deal. Top bloke.
In a nutshell
Planet Las Vegas is amazing. It comes at a pretty penny and if you’re not a drinker, gambler or appreciator of beautiful people then shy away from the idea. It’s Stag heaven. There is nothing you can’t do. The rule-book has been thrown out. In fact I would go a step further and say the rule-book has been buried in an unmarked shallow grave in the Mojave Desert somewhere. The Wedding Day experience was finely tuned, stress free and stunning. ‘Viva Las Vegas’.
Traditional Church Weddings versus eloping to an overseas paradise
This debate is as contentious as what’s best? ‘Radiator Undies’ in the winter months or getting a cwtch from your mum after you’ve fallen off of your BMX in your primary years? Let the deliberation commence.
Argument ‘for’ tying the knot off into the wide blue yonder
I’ve been a lucky sausage and attended a hat-trick of overseas weddings. I’ve toasted to the happy couples in Brisbane, Jamaica and Las Vegas. Being a Welsh man, the sun is as likely to be seen in the sky as much as a vegetarian is likely to be seen in an abattoir. Therefore a Wedding in more tropical climates than in Abercwm-nosun is a guaranteed people pleaser. “The sun isn’t everything” I hear you old fashioned partisan traditionalists say. Well, when you have a Mojito in one hand, you’re perched on a seat in a pool up to your waist at a ‘swim up pool side bar’ and scantily clad beauties are frolicking around you then I beg to differ. Jamaica’n me nostalgic mon…
Another winner is that a wedding abroad in my experience has been as relaxed as a melted Choc Ice. Particularly in Jamaica. Our airport transfer bus driver on arrival was more laid back than a broken deck-chair. He was the most chilled out man I’ve ever encountered. It was fair to say he hadn’t ‘shot the Sheriff’, however he had most definitely blazed up a ‘Fatty’ while driving the bus. A cliff top wedding overlooking the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean was one of the most stunning weddings I have ever experienced. Yea mon.

One hour til the nuptials.
If I could personify the Oz wedding as a Sheila, it ‘banged like a dunny door’. It was epic. Once again I experienced an outdoor Wedding, this time overlooking a pristine golf course near Brisbane. The traditional free bar was a humdinger and with my pastey complexion I stood out like a Bull Dog’s balls. As soon as the locals realised I wasn’t a ‘Pom’ they gave me a fair suck at the sauce bottle and many a bond were formed. This provided its own uniqueness. Another benefit of a Wedding in foreign climbs is that you can explore new and amazing sights. Home based Weddings, as beautiful as they can be, can often blur into one another. A Wedding abroad most certainly will not be forgotten.

Drinking it in.
Arguments ‘against’ flying the coop and keeping it gangsta in the hood
If you’re like me and you’re ideal temperature is 20 degrees Celsius, then being dolled up in your Penguin Suit while hotter than a mid-summer terracotta Otter in 30 plus degree heat isn’t the most comfortable of times. At least a home Wedding provides a cooler climate so that you aren’t sweating like a Sumo Wrestler on a cross-trainer.
It’s more inclusive to all. Apart from a Wedding gift the guests don’t have to cough up an arm and a leg for a flight. Also, you don’t have to experience great aunty Gladys unkempt foliage in a bikini if you handle your nuptials in your shire.
In a nut shell
On a foreign encounter you can contain your guest list to a chosen tight knit squad, so uncle Plonker and aunty Wassock can fall by the wayside and chances are you will not need your umbrella-ella-ella.
Getting married in your shire will keep the traditionalists happy and you won’t have to guilt trip family or friends into spending top dollar on a jet away. Your ‘It’s insanity if it’s not Christianity’ relatives will be happy that you may choose to do the deed in the big man’s house. Mo Wedding guests mo presents..
‘What qualifies me to pipe up and offer wedding advice? I have been fortunate to have been a Best Man on four occasions, an Usher several times, a Master of Ceremonies and have written more speeches and tutored more Best Men, Groom’s, Ushers and Bridesmaids than you can shake a flute of Prosecco at.’
I hope you have found my above examples entertaining and you agree with me that there is a niche in the Wedding market for a guide for the guys then feel free to get in touch.
Thank you for your time and the opportunity to share my idea.
Barry.

What the Bride wants from the Best Man

 

As best man you are not only there to please the groom but also his lovely betroved. Adlington Hall Wedding Venue in Cheshire asked some of their brides what they want from their fiancées bestman, and shared these insights with Best Man Beacon
Bride Vs Best Man
The relationship between Bride and Best Man can be brilliant, but sometimes a bit tense. The bride has to acknowledge the best man will always be the best man and have a place in her husband to be’s heart. Whilst the best man has to make way for the lady so important to his best friend and allow them space.
In the best relationships Bride and Best man will get on great, others it can be a bit fraught, you don’t want to piss the Bride off even more by messing up her big day.
The Bride on the Stag do
  • No strippers
  • No nudity
  • No Night before
The Bride on Drinking at the wedding
Don’t. Well not before the ceremony and not too much before the speeches. She wants you to have fun and enjoy the day but she needs you to be compos mentus and be able to do all your duties on the day helping the wedding run smoothly.
Don’t let the groom drink before the wedding! Last thing the bride wants is a drunk husband, slurring words for the video, red cheeked for the photos, no shots while you are getting ready andjust to be sure no beers before the wedding.
The Bride on seating
The bride and groom, most likely the former, spent hours on seating plans and making sure you know who should not sit next to whom. Families come with their own politics, don’t be clever and let them sort things out at the wedding.
Also don’t sit yourself next to the prettiest single bridesmaid, there’s plenty of time to chat her up later.
The Bride on the Groom
The Bride is marrying the love of her life, the man of her dreams, her soul mate. Make sure he scrubs up well and on time. It is the bride’s prerogative to be late to the wedding but not the Grooms. Make sure the Ushers abide by your rules, if he turns up late, drunk or with a penis on his forehead from a joke, you may not have been responsible but you will be to blame.
The Bride on Timings
Tardiness is not an option. Your job is to help the day run smoothly, make sure you know what time the groom has to be somewhere, is he due to speak to the father of the bride before the ceremony? Does he need to
meet up with the registrar or vicar? Has she given you gifts to give him throughout the day, or vice versa. For once in your life you need to be organised – think militant.
The Bride on the Photographs
There will be a limited time to get the wedding day immortalised with professional photos, help round up the wedding party, lure them with drinks if you have to, but make sure everyone is present and in the right place at the right time.
Smile for the camera, follow the photographers (or brides) instructions, and did we mention make sure neither you nor the Groom are drunk at this point.
The Bride on the Speeches
The speeches are your moment, the chance to humiliate your best mate, drag up his past, takecentre stage of the occasion, but it is still her day. For god’s sake tread carefully. No bringing up your best mates ex girlfriends or conquests, just don’t! Keep it family friendly, you are making the speech in front of her Mum, Dad, Granny, nephew so keep it PG (or at the most a
12a).
Don’t turn on the bride, no matter what do not say anything negative about her, her appearance,her past, her future, just nothing, stick to ‘doesn’t she look beautiful he’s a lucky guy’.
Don’t download your speech, its wedding season and the whole wedding party will know it’s not original.
Embarrassing the groom is fair game; it’s his own fault for picking you so he reaps what he sows, just stick to the above guidelines to keep his new Mrs happy.
The Bride on the Best Man
At the end of the day the Bride knows she’s not just marrying her husband but you come a long as part of the package. His mate, his brother, his best man, she wants you on side and to get on but if you mess up her wedding day you will pay!  
As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing. Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs.

Living the Las Vegas dream…

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As to Alan’s historical conundrum “Did Caesar actually live here?” The search for truth continues.

This is my account of my Best man experience number three for my legend of a cousin. Viva Las Vegas, you are a monumental slice of incredible.

Ta-ta Wales, hola U, S of A. Every one of my senses were titillated to the max by Planet Vegas. We landed around 9pm Nevada time, dropped our luggage off at the ‘Vdara’ and ‘The Wynne’ respectively and within half an hour I was attacking a ‘Half a yard’ of beer at Planet Hollywood like a new-born to a breast.

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Everywhere I looked, everything I heard, tasted and touched was a little slice of “Wa-wa-weewa”. Just incredibly barmy and magnificent. I hit the ground scampering like a toddler at a Petting Zoo. Everything is so absurdly over the top that my little brain couldn’t keep up. Just to add an extra banana skin to the weak minded and easily influenced gentleman there are no clocks anywhere. Everything is bright 24/7 and I swear they must pump oxygen in as alertness levels were Meerkat-esque. The Cocktail Waitresses were hotter than a leather convertible car seat on a mid-summer’s afternoon. You are plied with free drinks as long as you are gambling. The question “Would you like a drink Sir?” to which I replied “You bet.” Grew thin on several Cocktail waitresses throughout my week. Oh well, when in Rome.

I spent three days livin la vida loca until the Wednesday lunch time when I crashed ‘Mr Magoo’ style half way through my Club Sandwich. My body’s internal switch was turned off faster than a male lover being called their father’s name during the throes of passion. After an extended trip to the ‘Land of Nod’ in my King Sized bed in my bedroom which had a glass wall overlooking part of The Strip, I was ready to attach the wheels back on to the wagon and have another bite at the Vegas cherry, just in time for the Wedding preparation.

The Stag Do consisted of a cheeky visit to Mandalay Bay to watch an Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) event. Not too shabby I might add. An electric atmosphere, gifted sports people and pints of Rum made for a ruddy ace experience. The ladies ventured to a Cirque De Soleil tumbling spectacular for their Hen Do which they loved too.

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The wedding took place on the Friday in the Wynne’s wedding chapel. The atmosphere and environment were opulent and classy. The hotel wedding crew were so professional, stress free and tailored the day to the couple’s requests. The morning of the wedding was arguably the most chilled out wedding day preparation I’ve ever experienced. It was Makeover o’clock for the ladies while the Groom and I had a few steady tipples and played a little Roulette. The wedding was uploaded live on the tinternet so that the family could all watch it back home in the UK. My duties consisted of the basic formalities of looking after the wedding rings and making a congratulatory toast post wedding breakfast. Simples.

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The only negative experience I had was that I got hit on a number of times each and every night by women who am not ashamed to say were solid 9’s compared to my ‘6 on a good hair day’. “Poor old you.” I hear you say. The conversations usually took the path of “I love your British accent” “Wow you must look after yourself” “Are you going to buy me a drink” to “So, I’m $300 for the first hour then $250 dollars for each additional hour”. They were ‘Ladies of the Night’ (or Ladies of the day, it was hard to know without a clock) If you don’t weigh in, you don’t Wrestle. I had no intentions of weighing in and my self-esteem was lowered no end. On numerous occasions I was nearly caught in a trap and by the end of the week I couldn’t tell if I was coming or going when talking to women. Were they ‘Painted Ladies’ or just tipsy hot women who were lowering their standards a tad? Eenie meenie miney ‘Pro’… One thing’s for sure, I had a suspicious mind with each and every conversation.

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“You’re only supposed to blow the bloody wedding shoot.” Mr Caine offered his congratulation during the Wedding photos, no big deal. Top bloke.

In a nutshell

Planet Las Vegas is amazing. It comes at a pretty penny and if you’re not a drinker, gambler or appreciator of beautiful people then shy away from the idea. It’s a Stag haven. There is nothing you can’t do. The rule-book has been thrown out. In fact I would go a step further and say the rule-book has been buried in an unmarked shallow grave in the Mojave Desert somewhere. The Wedding Day experience was finely tuned, stress free and stunning. ‘Viva Las Vegas’.

As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing services.  Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs

‘Wedding 24’. 1 full turn of the earth on it’s axis. Most days blur into the other 364. Other days will be remembered until you gasp your last breath.

21:00 – 00:00 Wedding Day Eve/Lock Down

In my experience this goes one of two ways. Either the Groom to-be is contemplative, reserved and a tad pensive or they as reckless as a one legged, drunk Rodeo Clown. The latter is tricky to reign in. The last thing you want is a hung-over Groom so you have to have some restraint yourself and have a clear plan of attack. Where you’re going? How you are getting there and back? What time you are getting back to HQ? Having a big boy sleepover helps to keep the precious cargo in check. In ‘Alan Partridge’ styley; draw the metaphorical gun from the holster, knock the safety catch off, make sure there’s one in the
chamber and move and fire, move and fire. The Groom is disorientated by the clarity of instruction, the next thing he knows he is being bundled into a waiting car and escorted back to HQ. Mission complete.

08:00 – 10:00 The last meal as a free man. “Walking the mile”

What is your primary objective? By anyone’s minimal expectations you are to ensure that the Groom is stood at the altar, copusmentus, without an odour of vomitus, not blubbering like a teenage girl who has been on redial for an hour unsuccessfully trying to buy 1D concert tickets and in a calm and collected manner. To initiate this goal I would suggest a hearty breakfast as this could be the last opportunity to fuel up for several hours. Nobody likes a ‘fainter’ or a Groom’s stomach growling above the vows like Lassie beside an open mine shaft.

10:00 – 12:00 Preparation and briefing

Make it absolutely crystal clear to the Groom to-be that you appreciate that he is at an overwhelming crossroad and assure him that they have no idea how far you are willing to go to acquire their cooperation today. Especially if ‘Mr Cold Feet’ comes a knocking. Even if he is as wild as a caged nymphomaniac at a Jelly Wrestling Party you need to adhere to protocol and stick to your game plan. Don’t embrace too much down time, keep the ball rolling so that there’s no time to dwell on the inevitable and keep busy. Arrange for the Ushers to meet you so that you can all get suited, booted and dolled up. It’s imperative that you have the wedding rings in a safe place as the only thing you have to succeed in is to arrive with the Groom and the rings.

12:00 – 14:00 Establish contact. Target engaged        

Pre-arrange transport to the church/wedding venue prior to today so that there’s one less thing to remember. At the venue, accompany the Groom up to the altar and let the formalities take their course. You’re approaching the End Zone and can almost smell the Jaegerbombs, almost there.

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14:00 – 16:00 Initiate Speech. Go time…

If you adhere to the previous speech blogs (previous speech blog) and are adequately prepared then you will swagger through the next few hours. Once completed, drop tools at sundown after a hard days graft on site and blow the froth off a few well deserved barley pops, kick back and take some time to smell the roses. Touch Down and End Zone celebration boogie.

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16:00 – 21:00 Make hay while the sun shines brother

Your responsibilities are done and dusted. Joint operations will cease to exist on the same level as the days prior to the vows. The cake cutting and first dance will take their course. Sometimes this can be tough to take, as a new contact has taken over now, ‘The Wife’. They will represent the Groom on all their future endeavours and you will disappear more and more in to the shadows. “You are out of time.”

As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing.  Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs

Coming up – The history of the ‘Best man’ role. Sweeping a bride off of her feet, literally. Nobody likes a kidnap…

The Vicar is HMS Wedding’s compass through iceberg country.

My experience of weddings as Best man, Usher and guest have made me realise the importance of the ‘forgotten person of the cloth’ who can rock a wedding like a star or can be a fun sucking abyss of blandness. Here come some tales of the good, the bad and the fugly..

One vicar was as worn out as a seasoned Pendine Sands donkey at the twilight of summer. He looked like a feral version of Mr Noel Edmonds. His breath hung in the wind after every syllable like a slap of a new-born’s nappy to the face. His jowly neck and liver spotted paws told a tale of time ravaged by the stresses of endless Sabbath responsibilities, judging village fete chutney competitions and he would clearly welcome the reaper’s bony hand putting him out of his Ground Hog Day misery. He was robotically efficient in fairness. No frills yet we knew where we all stood. This category of vicar are to be appreciated as stress will be minimal. Just lay back, close your eyes and think of the green, green, grass of home.

The stereotypical jolly Vicar is still alive and preaching like a good’un. I once saw him getting stuck in an arm chair, no word of a lie. He resembled an over-sized garden snail with a reupholstered withered shell. He’s a total ‘all-star of the cloth’. On one outing I was an Usher/bouncer outside the church door pre-wedding and the vicar and I were chatting to the Bridal troop as they arrived and his concluding words to them as he opened the door to the eagerly waiting guests and Groom were “Okay ladies. Tits and teeth. Tits and teeth.” He’s the Michael Jordan of vicars. He put us all at ease and swaggered off down the aisle like a gigantic, sassy cherub. Back of the net…

On another occasion the vicar was flat out grumpy. His sense of humour was as dry as a nun’s nasty. The wedding rehearsal for me is a great time to put the Bride and Groom to-be at ease, to establish a positive environment and reinforce a tree of trust. When the vicar tells everyone to hush up and hurry up as he wants to get back home to watch the Ospreys rugby match on telly you know you’re treading water with your dad’s wellies on. I don’t think he was cuddled much as a bambino. In fact I don’t think Jesus even loved him at all. I would go as far as to say that the bearded illusionist probably thinks he is a bit of a plonker.

My favourite vicar experience came when I was a Best man. He was a ‘Fonzy’ of a guy. Reasonably young, he liked to sink a few bevies on occasion and he was not preachy in any way shape or form out of God’s man-cave. On the eve of the wedding I ran a few potential dodgy jokes past him as I knew he was attending the wedding day in its entirety. (See Best man speech example) One of which involved a hidden tattoo the bride had of a seashell on the inside of her upper thigh. Rumour has it if you put your ear against it and listen extremely carefully you could smell the sea. The vicar laughed and high-fived me. He was a scholar and a gent from the wedding rehearsal all the way through to the ‘Chicken Dancing’ wedding night finale.

In a nut-shell

If you land an easy going, all-star of a Vicar then savour every minute and count your lucky stars. I guess it’s kind of like learning to kiss when you’re young. Sometimes you’re going to bang teeth or chafe your lips with a brace and then you get a good kisser, post Cherry Drop and it’s plain sailing/smooching. Perhaps you need to experience an angry or crusty clergyman before you can truly appreciate a cracker. My only Yoda like advice would be “Patient and open you must be and a good chance of success you will have.”

As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing.

Coming up

’24 Hours’ – 1 full turn of the earth on it’s axis. Most days blur into the other 364. Other days will be remembered until you gasp your last breath. The Wedding day through the eyes of the guys.

Best man experience number two for a life-long close mate. Free reign given from both sets of in-laws and even the Vicar consented to the shenanigans.

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Here follows my speech so if any budding Best men need a little inspiration just take a gander. It’s been edited a tad due to the length. Enjoy.

I have been given lots of advice today for my speech. One thing I was told was to speak for as long as it takes for the Groom to make love. Well ladies and gentleman, get comfy because I will be speaking for a long time and don’t think that falling asleep will help, that’s just a challenge for Bob (Groom).

I’d like to share our appreciation for our little stars of the day. Our Page Boy David and our Flower Girls Jane and Sophie.

I have been given the Green Light to say whatever I like today by Rita (Mother of the Bride) and Rupert (Vicar). I can see that we have a few young people in attendance today so if you see me do this and say “Ear Muffs” (Hands over my ears) please cover your ears. I’ve tried to pitch the speech somewhere between Susan Boyle and Frankie Boyle! So apologies if I cause any offence.

I would like to say how beautiful Brenda (Bride) looks today. She is an absolute star. Bob and Brenda always try their best to embarrass me. Well guys, today it’s my turn. Bob and Brenda’s door is the only door I knock, cough and rattle the handle before I enter in case I interrupt any ‘Afternoon Delight’….. or Morning Delight….. or Evening Delight for that matter.

The Bridesmaids look beautiful today fair play. As Kate (Chief Bridesmaid) can vouch, the ‘Mr & Mrs Quiz’ answers from the Hen and Stag Do were one hell of an eye opener and gave us quite the insight. In fact some of the answers made my eye’s water. 

Now, to the man of the hour. Who?! By his own admission is a very, very difficult man to embarrass. So here goes. Robert Michael Jones, also known as Bob, Curly and Jim Levinstein from the American Pie movies, was born on the 24th of April 1982. I trawled the internet for hours in research and I couldn’t find anything interesting or memorable that happened on that day. However I did find out that what 2 girls can do with 1 cup shook me to my very core. I haven’t had a Mr Whippy since…. Bob was born at Brecon Hospital on a drizzly Tuesday and to this very day, 30 years later Nurses still refer to this day of the week as ‘Ugly Tuesday’. Bless him.

In all seriousness, Bob is loyal, strong, a great laugh, thirsty and a ridiculously accurate time keeper. What I love about him is that when I go to him for advice he’s always brutally honest.

To look at, Bob was interesting and very different to the other pupils at Primary School. He had a bum like J-Lo and a nose like a Sesame Street character. To this day the rest of his body is gradually catching up to these gigantic features. I believe the photographers Sandy and Mel asked for a profile shot during the pre-wedding photo shoot and Bob’s nose knocked the tripod over.

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I approached Bob’s year 7 High School Form teacher Mrs Davies to get an insight into his teenage years. She spoke warmly about Bob and was kind enough to send us this Good Luck card. (Pull out Good Luck card saying. He was best in his year at building sand-castles. Was the best Dungeons and Dragons player in his realm and had an appetite for eating Play Doh. He was exceptional.)

There is an old dear friend of Bob’s here today. Brenda and I have secretly tracked him down so that he can make a special appearance. He has been a rock to Bob over the years and he is currently waiting in the wings. He’s not been this far from home before. ( I leave the microphone stand and walk out of sight to the bar and return with Bob’s childhood Stuffed Dog who we had dressed up in a mini suit to match myself and the Ushers) Can I please introduce you to Cuddly Joe. Rumour has it that he, Bob and Brenda have shared a bed together on more than one occasion.

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I heard a beautiful tale I would like to share with you that I feel is appropriate today. Get your EAR MUFFS ready. The story is about a lovely Irish couple called Paddy and Mary. They awoke on the morning of their 50th Wedding Anniversary and Mary lovingly glances across to Paddy and says “Orr Paddy. I luv ya. You’ve made me the happiest woman in all of Eireland.” Paddy replies “Orr Mary I luv ya more dan life itself.” Mary said “I’m so lucky to have ya. Now is der anyting at all dat I could do for ya to make ya even happier Pad?” Paddy awkwardly replies “Ar well, jeez Mary. Well now dat ya mention it der has been one ting missing dat I’ve never had in all of our days.” “Wats dat den. I’ll do anyting to make my Pad happy?” “Well da one ting dat I’d really, really appreciate Mary. Is, is, is a BJ!” So with no hesitation and with a loving gaze Mary slowly slides out her false teeth and seductively lowers them into a glass of water by the bed side table. Two action packed minutes later the gesture was complete. Paddy says “Oh dear God Mary, dat was mind blowing. It was absolutely perfect. You’re my very own angel. Now is der anyting at all in da world dat I can do for ya in return?” Knelt in her Nighty, on her artificial knees she looks up at Paddy with her gums shining and her face completely pebble-dashed she says “I’ll settle for a kiss Paddy.”

Apologies for any offence caused there. The reason why I shared this romantic tale with you is because (Turn to Bride and Groom) you guys have all the ingredients to spend the rest of your lives together. There is no pretense and you share a rare honesty that makes me happy to know you and I am honoured to be your Best man. Brenda is passionate, lovely, warm, great fun, stunning and deserves a great husband. So Bob, thank your lucky stars she met you before she found one.

Now if you could all join me in a toast. ‘To love, to laughter, to a happy ever after.’ Mr & Mrs Jones. Cheers.     

As always take a look at ‘our services’ if you require any assistance.

Coming up – Appreciation for the person in the cloth, God’s right hand amigo.