If you’re reading this, chances are you are planning your speech as the Groom-to-be. God Speed to you Sir, you are about to embark upon an adventure of Columbus proportions. When you get the opportunity to stand up, mic and prompt cue cards in hand, gather your composure and speak to the entire wedding procession rest assured that you are only expected to make a brief stab at a speech so no need to stress. Just cover the basics and Robert’s your mother’s brother and Fanny’s your aunt. f you are adopting traditional wedding speech etiquette then the first batter up will be your new Father in-law; then it’s your time to shine followed by some squeaky bum time as the Best man gets to take a pop at the champ. Of the Groom’s speeches I have seen, the majority have been a brief five minute affair which are conveniently dissected into six key points below. You’ve got enough on your plate with the wedding preparations so get your Tablet or if you’re an elder statesman reach for the note pad and Parker Ball-point Pen and jot away.
1) Your opening line needs to set the tone. So if you’re going for a light-hearted humouress approach throw in a gag early doors. Such as “I was hoping to make a short speech and was just reminded by the Father of the Bride that this is a rare opportunity when my wife and my mother in-law are expected to sit in silence and not interrupt so I shall take my sweet time and make the most of it”.
2) Butter up the guests (after all they have played their part in refurbishing your home or they are paying for your honeymoon) welcome and thank them for playing their part on such an important day for you and your ball n chain.
3) Express your thanks to the ‘out-laws’ for not only contributing financially to the wedding; also for supporting you both through the planning of the wedding. Last and most certainly not least thank them for producing and raising the angel that is your beautiful Bride.
4) Time to add an affectionate nod to your parents for their contribution to the day, for raising you and for welcoming your missus into the family.
5) Share with the room how much you love your gorgeous wife; how grateful you are to have her in your life, pay homage to her amazing qualities and share how you’re looking forward to a happy and healthy future together.
6) Finally, thank the Ushers, Page Boy/Flower Girl and the Best man (perfect time to embarrass the Best man before he makes you squirm) and conclude with a toast to the beautiful Bridesmaids (you may need a little artistic license here).
In a nutshell
The wedding package as a whole can be ridiculously stressful if you let it get on top of you. In the words of the legendary Mr Van Wilder “Worrying is like sitting in a Rocking Chair. It gives you something to do but it gets you nowhere.” Be positive in the knowledge that you’ve made it. What’s an additional five minutes of reading aloud? The hard part’s done so enjoy the ‘End Zone Touchdown’ celebrations and prepare yourself for your roasting at the hands of the gent you have handpicked out of everybody you know to be your right hand man in your hour of need. To tackle any unwanted nerves see our speech de-stressor blog and live the dream. Go get em tiger.
Speaking from the perspective of the weddings I have had the pleasure of cutting shapes at; the core ingredient for shenanigans is Lucifer’s sauce. I have collared one half of welsh based Malthouse Bars’ Mr Jordan Curran to share his experiences through sober eyes from behind the bars of the many wedding receptions they have attended.
Jordan shared that ‘at the risk of sounding cheesy’ it’s always nice to be a part of someones Special Day as people are generally up for a good time and they are never boring because each Do is unique. We asked him to share his top tips, most annoying habits, ideal guests and general anecdotal gems.
The old adage of ‘The customer is always right’ is the top of Jordan’s customer service priorities. Malthouse Bars are located near Talgarth in mid-Wales and due to positive word of mouth they are booked at wedding venues as far a field as North Wales, Gloucester and beyond. Top tips for happy couples booking a wedding bar is to avoid choosing random welcome drinks or Beers on tap on the basis that a few members of their family have a lot of love for a certain rare Belgium Ale that is casked by Monks on the second week of every leap year. You can’t please everybody all of the time so he advises to choose booze which travels well and will please the majority. Having said that Jordan feels he is happy to go the extra mile if the client is willing to go the extra dollar as he’s people pleaser and generally a ruddy nice bloke.
Most annoying things
Jordan dislikes it when there is ‘Heavy Traffic’ at the bar. In layman’s terms when people order their drinks and then sup away while parked at the bar it makes it trickier for other people to get served than asking a Poodle to give you a ‘Thumbs Up’. Another pet peeve of his occurs when guests try to haggle with him over the cost of drinks.
Jordan shared that things get really interesting when the wave of wedding day drunkards meets the sensible and sober evening folk. On the whole the evening party guests tend to hit the ’Catch up’ Jaeger trail and come the Wedding Party’s Chicken Dance finale the majority of all revelers are more sozzled than a hungry Elk in an out of season Orchard.
Jordan recalled that at one particular wedding, tipsy members climbed up on to the bar and boogied away like Swayze. He shared that unfortunately one guest (there’s always one) who happened to be especially rotund and hairy to-boot clambered up and only for the sturdy Welsh Oak bar a disaster was averted. Jordan said it bowed a tad and thankfully the pleasantly plump soul burned himself out with his over exuberance. Some birds weren’t mean’t to soar.
Another time a guest was so pickled they attempted to buy a round with a Morrisons’ Miles voucher to no avail. ‘Every little helps.’ My favourite experience Jordan shared came about when he asked the married couple-to-be whether they wanted to invent and name a Cocktail to be sold on their Wedding night. They were asked to name it after a precious & romantic moment they had shared that reminds them of happy times together. The scamps decided upon ‘Sex On The Golf course’. Love is patient, love is kind, love is driving one into the rough & bagging a hole in one.
In a nutshell
Choosing a Wedding Bar with a reputation of stress free efficiency will save you a whole world of bother. If you try and save a few quid by supplying your own welcome drinks or table wines then that’s all well and good until you arrange the refrigeration, glassware, glass washing and corkage. Of all the days in your life this is one where you don’t need to invite additional hassle and stress. Malthouse Bars are a first class, customer centered business and you can read more about them by following this link. http://malthousebars.co.uk
How to write a Groom’s speech.
Best man speech including puns galore, toasts, laughter and even a Ukulele and a Bridesmaids back up band.
Best man experience number four for my best mate.
On paper this speech was potentially a sticky wicket as there were wedding guests present who had sat through a Best man speech of mine previously. Therefore I couldn’t recycle any old gags as I would be rumbled as a one trick pony. Another additional hurdle was that the beautiful and wicked bride-to-be requested that I introduce a Ukulele to proceedings. I’m not a natural musician, in fact I would say that I am as useful with instruments as a sandpaper pole is in a Lap Dancing Club. None the less I bought a Uke, learned four basic chords, experimented with a few cheeky parodies and strummed away for a few months like a nymphomaniac senorita stranded on a desert island.
The Groom was my best mate of twenty years which gave me oodles of anecdotal nonsense to draw upon. We were each other’s Wing Man from 11 years old so we went through puberty, pulling, dodgy Bowl Cut & Under Cut hair do’s and we experienced many a ‘Cider Visor’ disaster together.
I have recommended in previous blogs that 10 minutes is ample time to cover all aspects of a Best man speech. These include compliments, thanks, share romantic tales of the couple, share anecdotal cringey stories of the Groom and the finishing strokes involve a toast to the newlyweds. As you will see later this was the case here and the additional 8 minutes was designated to a cheesy, parody corner which contains as much rhythm as a Camel on a Bouncy Castle. On the morning of the wedding I nonchalantly asked the Bridesmaids if they could help me during the speech later on and that was as far as I went…. Just after 10 minutes into the speech I summoned the four troopers up to the mic stand with me and I handed them Maracas, a Slide Whistle and a Triangle in turn. I also gave them prop signs reading “Ooh” “Arr” “Ooh” “Arr” to encourage wedding guest participation during a Worzels’ parody aimed at the Father Of The Bride who is a Farmer/Trucker and is harder than a Woodpecker’s top lip. No pressure then.
As I knew that the mother of the Bride were great sports I decided to serenade her with an out of tune rendition of ‘Wild Thing’ just for good measure too. She took it like a champ.
On the whole the guests were from the agricultural fraternity and there was also a religious contingent present so I had to bear that in mind throughout planning the speech so that there wouldn’t be any tears before bed time if I in some way insulted the bearded puppeteer in the clouds or poked too much fun at sheep or tractors.
As with every effort in life Lady Luck is a welcome ally. About 5 minutes in I gamble with a subtle innuendo regarding a ‘Beaver’ gag (pardon the pun) and in hindsight this could of gone down like a pooh in a swimming pool at a Birthday Pool Party. Thankfully a balloon is randomly popped right on ‘ver’ so I could mosey on ‘Tut free’ with the rest of the speech.
A huge note of gratitude to the whole wedding guest contingent. We had an amazing day and epitomized good times by eating, drinking, dancing like nobody was watching and generally were very, very merry.
As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing. Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs pop your tootsies up and enjoy.
Attack of Mr Cold feet.
You may visualize yourself on a rickety rowing boat heading out into tempestuous seas with nothing but the sounds of the hull cracking and splintering to drown out the sounds of your snot-bubble yelping. If this is the case then you need to raise your head out of the sand well before the big day to balance up the pros and cons and share your anxieties with loved ones.
If you’re adamant that you want to marry your beloved and it’s purely the wedding day and all it encompasses that is causing you to have cold feet then look no further.
Permit me to be crude for a mo. One of the best relaxation techniques known to mankind is to bash the Bishop like you’re competing in the ‘Whack-a-Mole World Championships.’ Clearly there’s a time and a place for this tried and tested method. As an alternative to risking going blind or rocking up on your wedding day with palms furrier than Chewbacca I’d recommend you engulf yourself in your favourite past time. Whether it be playing Darts, bench-pressing in your garage or going for a run it really doesn’t matter. As long as you’re releasing mother nature’s opiates ‘Mr Endorphins’ and distracting yourself then job’s a good un. An awesome practice to control your breathing, improve your focus and provide relaxation is Yoga. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. “Ommmmmm”.
If you’re Cristiano Ronaldo lining up a free-kick for Real Madrid or Tommy ‘Tripod’ placing the ball on the penalty spot for a chance to score the winner for the Nag’s Head in the final of their pub league cup; success comes more often than not to the person who positively visualizes where they are going to place that ball. In relation to the wedding day and dispelling the nerves leading to the Cold Feet I have heard that a visit to the Church with your Best man or close friends or family is an incredibly useful idea. You have the luxury of having the information to positively visualize how your day is going to look. The sights, smells and noises all help to visualize how amazing your wedding day is going to be. Meeting the Vicar on your own or with the ball & chain-to-be is a great opportunity to ask all the questions you need to be clued up as much as possible.
A problem shared
We all know it’s true. If you’re struggling to get your noggin around a problem, talk it over with a close friend or family member and the gathering dark clouds soon part way for a little sunshine. The Best man and Usher’s roles are not restricted to 24 hours. If they read the small print on their contracts then they will realize that they are the wind beneath your wings from the proposal all the way through to the Chicken-dancing and the ‘Aga-do-dos’ on the wedding night.
In a nutshell
Nerves can get the better of anyone. Getting married is a bit of a Ron Burgundy. It’s kind of a big deal, so it’s natural to be a tad nervous. If you bury your head in the sand like a big ole flustered Ostrich then you have two ‘hopes’ of a successful nuptial experience. No ‘hope’ & Bob ‘Hope’. Rest in peace Bob. Talk your anxieties over with somebody close to you; engage in stress relieving activities; visit the wedding venue and in the words of Bob Marley “Don’t worry, about a ting. Coz every little ting is gonna be alright.” Keep smiling.
As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing. Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs.
Best man speech including a Ukulele, Bridesmaids orchestral section & a rendition of ‘Wild Thing’
Having more than one Best man provides safety in numbers from the potential storm that lies in wait.
Nowadays the Best man role is quite often shared between two champs. In my experience this eases the pressure considerably. As long as the other Best man is not cut from the same cloth as Joey Essex or The Wizard of Oz’s Cowardly Lion then you can avoid a metaphorical house landing on you and you’ll be over the rainbow faster than you can say “There’s no place like home”.
The best piece of advice I’ve been given (apart from ‘Always pull your Pipe out to spit’) is ‘If you fail to prepare then prepare to fail’. (See Necessity is the mother of invention Blog) So I would gather the specific set of skills that you and your Best man partner have and exploit the bejesus out of them. For example you can Ying Yang it, ‘Good Cop Bad Cop’ it where one of you can be the sincere, caring and supportive Best man who mentions the beautiful moment when the lovely couple realised that they yearned to grow old together and the other Best man can mention such times as when the Groom won a Dwarf Tossing competition or when he woke up face down in the dog basket dressed as Dolly Parton.
A wedding I went to a while back had two Best men and they were absolutely class. Rather than the ‘Good Cop Bad Cop’ efforts these two guys figuratively bounced off each other like a Ron Jeremy movie scene. An example of their efforts included a cheeky poem where they alternated lines and took turns holding up blown up pictures of the Groom in a compromising, cringingly manner.
When people talk about Best man speeches and public speaking in general ‘nerves’ are at the top of the bill. (See speech nerves blog) You’ve got two choices; sink like an obese Scout in a pair of pyjamas trying to gain his Brick Collecting Badge from the bottom of the pool. Or swim triumphantly like a majestic Hoff out of the break of a wave with your chest fro glistening like an Otter in the moonlight.
There are several options and only you know what works for you. The underlying foundation for success is a positive attitude. What’s the worst that can happen? You’re not going to spontaneously combust up there. Visualisation can be a winner. If you practice your speech, record it, watch it back and visualise how you were standing, smiling and strutting around like a proud Peacock then it’s on like Ping Pong. A popular tip from the masses is to visualize the wedding guests in their Birthday suits. Now, in my opinion visualizing an octogenarian Beaver or my pleasantly portly Uncle Llewelyn’s tally-whacker is a place I want to take a wide berth of. Like I said, whatever works.
A possible flaw for you is that if there is an obvious gulf in skills between the two of you such as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito in Twins, chances are you may have to carry the weaker Best man. If your fellow Bestie is as useful as paper condom then focus on individual strengths to help sail you through. If one of you is petrified at the thought of speaking in public then why not pull off a ‘Pen and Teller’ style effort where the quieter one can play upon that? Whatever you do; as long as you practise, prepare and realise that the guests are behind you and keen for you to do well then you’ll be as successful as a Quarterback on Prom Night. If there are any oddball guests who want you to fall flat on your face then they are the kind of penis’ who don’t deserve to register on your ‘Give a Fudge’ gauge anyway. Karma will sort them out in due course.
In a nutshell
Safety in numbers is a sweet crash mat. From a lazy man’s perspective a benefit is that you only have to do half the work of a lonesome Best man. You will have mutual support for the Stag Do capers (see organising Stag Do blog). Also an occasional and random drama may rear its ugly noggin along your journey. At least you can tackle any pot-holes with unity (See Bridezilla and Mother In-law blogs). The only negative is that the Chief Bridesmaid may have to pick between the two of you for a traditional roll in the Hay Barn. Keep smiling and if you lose your place or composure have a drink at hand ready. Taking a moment and having a sip is an ideal pause to gather your thoughts and nonchalantly slide back in where you left off like the well-practised, heroic, loveable pro that you are. Carpe diem.
Attack of Mr Cold Feet.
Stag Do Stripper history.
Of the dozens of Stag Dos I have had the sheer joy of partaking in, I would hazard a guess that there was a naked dancing lady present in three quarters of them. For all you naive folk out there a Stripper or Exotic Dancer is a person who gets paid to undress for the purpose of tantalising adult oglers usually in a venue such as a Lap Dancing/Strip Club. Other bold souls are mobile un-robers who bring their party to your party for a fee. (See Stag do To Lap Dance or not to Lap Dance. That is the question) Of the Stag Do’s I’ve been on the experiences have varied across a wide range (a naughty Rainbow if you will) From watching the Stag sitting on his hands in a gentleman’s club while a semi-nude exotic senorita grinded against his crotch like she was some kind of sexy Bear Grylls attempting to start a fire. To my all-time personal favourite which involved a Tipi with a dozen ogling revellers sitting with cross legs in a semi-circle as if we had regressed to our ‘Show and Tell’ Primary school days.
Allegedly in 1896 a Stag Party for an American chap called Herbert Barnum Seeley had a professional Belly Dancer geared up to do the ‘No Pants Dance’ until The Po Pos rocked up and rained on his wicked parade. A seed was planted and word must have spread across the pond as the ‘No Pants Dance’ became part and parcel of a man’s right of passage from the end of his reckless abandonment days into the world of the married responsible gent.
I shall start the countdown of my ‘Top 2’ Stag Do tantalising treasures with my sole experience of a Roly Poly Stripper. It’s a memory that I will never ever shake off. Bless her cotton cankle socks, she was no ‘oil painting’ by the average appreciator of the female form. She had just rushed across town from another Stag Do and was still baby oiled up to the max like a big ole basted Christmas Turkey with a plastic bag in tow. In all fairness she would be seen to some people as being fitter than a brand new kitchen, #feeders. I wish I could say she had a nice personality. She was a portly, 5 foot tall lady with kind eyes and a glistening brow. She was super savvy, as she said she shakes her booty at at least three different Stag Dos per weekend night and was cashing in around £100 per time. Throughout her surprisingly energetic routine she broke out the Whipped Cream and Baby Oil and really went to town on the Stag with extreme gusto. She laid him down and parked her bare derriere on various parts of the Stag’s body like a one woman ‘Slip n Slide’. He was a broken man and became a shadow of his former self for days after.
My favourite naughty de-robing occurred in afore mentioned Tipi on a summer’s night. It was so surreal as we all gathered on the floor and waited eagerly for a petite, limber, attractive lady to saunter across a field with a torch in one hand and an old school ghetto-blaster in the other while rocking her shiny green wellies and spangley two piece. As you could imagine it’s a tricky number to boogie and take off your clothes while operating a ‘portable lighting system’. Step up the Father of the Groom to-be who volunteered to be the ‘Lighting guy’. Fast forward two minutes and there was a semi-nude lady dancing to “The Venga Bus is coming” and a pleasantly plump middle-aged man on all fours shining a torch at her Lady Lumps for us all to appreciate. This was several years ago and even to this day whenever I see the ‘Lighting Guy’ there is a look between us which needs no words. We both know we shared something magical and memorable that evening that we will take to our graves. Spell binding, utterly ruddy spell binding…
In a nut shell
Put the hammer down and bring the noise. See ‘Omerta’ in our early Stag Do blogs to reinforce the old adage “Loose lips sink ships”.