Stag Do Drinks feature. The Good, The Bad & The Fugly.

Stag do drinks

Best Man Beacon featured in a Stag Do drinks guide.
Here at Best Man Beacon we are experts when it comes to Stag Dos and recently we were asked to share our knowledge in an article about Stag do drinks: the best and the worst, which recently was published on stag do organisers PissUp.com’s website.
Our very own Baz Price was quoted in the piece saying, “Alcohol is not the ‘be all and end all’ for a successful do. As long as you have a laugh and you cater for the Groom and the majority’s tastes then you’re cooking on gas. What alcohol does bring to the table is a vehicle for lowering inhibitions which can bond a group tighter than a Nun’s Nasty.”
The guide looked at the best and worst drinks you can try on a stag party. Making up the best drinks list were Pilsner Urquell, Staropramen, Amstel, Dreher, Guinness, and Vodka and Lemonade.
In terms of the worst drinks you can try, the guide included some really nasty concoctions such as a drink called the Chocolate Spider. This drink contains 10 shots and a Mars Bar that the person downing it has to eat.
Other drinks to avoid, according to the piece, included The Smoker’s Cough, The Bath Cure, Motor Oil, Prairie Oyster and Bourbon Treat. These are all real drinks as well!

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‘The Wedding Guy-Way Code’ publishing pitch.

Here’s my pitch for a potential publishing project called ‘The Wedding Guy-Way Code’. Cheers.

A synopsis detailing the purpose, scope and intention of the project; Chapter breakdown showing the proposed structure of the book; Consumer profile defining the target market;
Some sample text to show writing and presentation style;
your qualifications and credentials for writing the book;

Synopsis.
The premise of The Wedding Guy-Way Code is to make one of life’s potentially most stressful experiences a lot more manageable and enjoyable.
Why buy a copy of The Wedding Guy-Way Code? Because every aspect of the Groom, Best Man, Usher and Father of the Bride’s responsibilities are presented in a bite sized format. One of the most dreaded responsibilities for the guys involved in a Wedding is the speech. We cover everything from overcoming nerves, breaking down the structure of speeches so that you can personalise them and also have Groom, Best man and Father of the Bride speech plans.
What qualifies me to pipe up and offer wedding advice? I have been fortunate to have been a Best Man on four occasions, an Usher several times, a Master of Ceremonies and have written more speeches and tutored more Best Men, Groom’s, Ushers and Bridesmaids than you can shake a flute of Prosecco at.
We will also delve into the potentially mucky and murky world of the Stag Do…. We cover such subjects as To Lap-Dance or not to Lap-Dance?! How to handle loose-cannons; Keeping the Bride to-be sweet and the ‘Must Dos and Do nots’.
You may think that this armours any guy for any potential nuptial trapdoors on the Wedding journey ahead. Well my friend you may well be mistaken as we also cover three Survival Guides. Number 1 ‘Bridezilla’. Number 2 ‘The Mother in-law’ and Number 3 ‘The Wedding Fayre’. Just for good measure we give you a leg-up in the wedding night leg-over stakes so that you consummate your wedding like a champ and also talk about handling Cold Feet if you’re struggling to keep your balance on the marital plank.
If you Google ‘Weddings’ you will quickly realise that 99% of sites you find are specifically geared at the Bride to-be and us guys are expected to turn up, be as chilled as a Jamaican Yogi and pull off a legendary speech. The Wedding Guy-Way Code is here to be your Fool Proof Guide on all that is the wedding. We will be your shining beacon on the night shores of a stormy squall. Good luck and just remember ‘When in Rome…’

Premise.
The premise of this book is best summed up by one of my favourite actors, the late, great Mr Chris Farley from the film ‘Tommy Boy’. “You can get a great view of a T-Bone by sticking your head up a bull’s ass but I’d rather take the Butcher’s word for it.” In other words I’ll be your Butcher. You can ask lots of people, aimlessly search the internet for jokes and toasts or hunt on YouTube for hours of Best Man speeches or you can save yourself a lot of time and have a gander at the pages ahead. Here you can get everything you need to know about organising a Stag Do, a break down on Best Man responsibilities and advice on composing a Best Man, Groom and Father of the Bride speech.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been asked to be a Best Man. This is either exciting for you or filling you full of dread. The way I look at it, it’s like being asked to ride at a Rodeo. You ride her until she bucks you or you don’t ride her at all. Just remember if you feel it’s too overwhelming you’ve always got the Ushers (Rodeo Clowns) to help you out. I hope my advice will be a beacon for you to achieve some sense in the wilderness that is the chaotic pressured world of being a Groom, Best Man, Usher and Father of the Bride. More so, if you learn from my successes and cock-ups you will pull off all expectations in your stride with the strut of a young Travolta.
I am going to share all the pearls of wisdom I have learned through trial and error over the years. It’s a total honour to be asked to be the ‘Glue’ for the biggest day of a people’s lives. A day which they and their families will remember for the rest of their lives. No worries then… I’m going to share advice to ease the pressure so that you can be confident in knowing that all bases are covered whatever your responsibilities.

Chapter Breakdown
Introduction – As above in the Synopsis and Premise.

The Stag Do – We look at every aspect of organizing, planning and pulling off a successful home and away Stag Do.
Tackling Speech Nerves and Preparation – We break down and offer bite size advice on relaxation and preparation.

Planning your Best Man and Groom Speech – I use my experience of speeches as well as the advice I have given to dozens of Best Men and Grooms I have tutored. Including a specific, traditional itemized plan to ensure all bases are covered.
The Role of the MC – Step By Step guide on how to successfully fulfill the role of the wedding Master of Ceremonies.

Managing the Wedding Day – A Wedding Day timeline focusing on your expectations as a Best Man and Groom, including pieces of advice to keep the day stress-free and manageable.

The Role of the Groomsmen – ‘The Usher’s Parable’ is a comical look at how to be a successful Groomsman and how to avoid common blips and disasters.

Popular School Boy Errors (Getting Married Abroad and a Vegas Wedding.) – An insight into classic faux pas for the Groom and Best Man including pre-nuptial disasters, Spray Tanning mishaps, Pros and Cons of overseas Weddings and a glimpse at the highs and lows of a Las Vegas Wedding.

Potential Potholes in the Road (Bridezilla, Mother in Law and the Wedding Fayre) – A comprehensive Survival Guide for a Bunny Boiling Bride, a loco Mother-In-Law and the dreaded Wedding Fayre.
Consummation – A leg up on getting your leg over. Practical pointers on being a legend on your Wedding night.

Mr Cold Feet – Advice on attaining a calm and relaxed emotional state if any potential doubts sneak in.
Final Thoughts

Consumer profile defining the target market

Since we set up my Best Man Tips website bestmanbeacon.com in October 2014 I can confidently say that there is a niche in the Wedding industry for men. We have uploaded 36 Blogs since we began culminating in nearly 4,000 visitors and over 6,000 views. I have written and tutored approximately 20 Best Men, Grooms, Father of the Brides and Bridesmaids over this time. I have also been approached by Wedding Venues, Wedding photographers, members of the Fitness industry and Stag Companies to facilitate Guest Blogs.
The vast majority of social media, magazines and society are blatantly geared towards the ladies. Therefore guys have to rely on word of mouth or searching the internet to find the advice and information they need to fulfil their wedding responsibilities. We offer a handy short-cut for guys and allow them to access all they need to know all in one place. A ‘One Stop Shop’ if you like.
We have always focused on sharing all the relevant information a man requires for his wedding duties from a comical perspective delivering a balance between practical advice and quirky humour.
Our target market are Grooms, Best Men, Groomsmen/Ushers and Fathers of the Bride. As it’s a manual, it’s an ideal purchase as a gift from partners who want to help their other halves to prepare for upcoming wedding responsibilities too.
The role of the Best Man is intrinsic to a successful, stress free Wedding Day (Wedding build up). We offer advice on the whole journey from the Stag Do, the Wedding day responsibilities, all the way past the speech and beyond.
Any information you can supply on other books in the same area and how yours is different or better
We have had 6,120 views of our blogs on bestmanbeacon.com to date and have been approached by Stag Do and Wedding Venue guest bloggers who have all shared that it’s difficult for men to be included and float in an industry saturated in favour of the ladies. I have attended Wedding Fayres in a speech writing service capacity, ran workshops at wedding Fayres and it’s glaringly obvious that wedding services are almost completely geared towards the Bride. The feedback I have experienced is that we offer something completely unique within the industry.
Therefore I think ‘The Wedding Guy-Way Code’ can be a comical manual for guys to have a niche voice in a one sided market. I have seen a variety of Best Man Speech books which are fairly dry and helpful for the speech. I haven’t seen anything as entertaining and comprehensive as our book. I think it’s a unique statement that can stand out among the Wedding book market. It’s fun, different and extremely useful.
Some sample text to show writing and presentation style

‘NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION’ when it comes to HANDLING PRE-SPEECH NERVES. Here’s HOW TO BE AS COOL AS THE PROVERBIAL CUCUMBER AND NOT SHUDDER LIKE A DEFECATING POOCH.

The immense crippling nerves that are commonly associated with public speaking and Best Man speeches in particular are one of life’s conundrums. Such as, why is the ‘Letter S’ in the word ‘Lisp’? Why is the word ‘Dyslexic’ a high scoring Scrabble word? Why does Coke taste better out of a glass bottle than out of a can? Why does a dog feel confident to attack a moving car yet if a vacuum cleaner is turned on near them they freak out more than a wine connoisseur finding out a novice wine taster is chewing bubble-gum? It’s more annoying than the incorrect overuse of the word ‘literally’ or the incorrect use of the word ‘pacific’ instead of ‘specific’. Without being pacific this literally drives me nuts. Some things in this universe are just too loco to comprehend and the list is longer than an MP’s expense claim form.

Don’t let the speech become the Elephant in the room. The best way at combating ‘Best Man speech’ nerves is to approach it like this; ‘If you always prepare in the same way you’ve always prepared then you will always achieve what you’ve always achieved.’ Therefore if you have a negative experience in memory then approach this speech differently and treat it as a positive opportunity and not like an Albatross around your neck.
If you have crippling nerves regarding the speech then I suggest stripping everything down and approaching this opportunity differently. If you’ve suffered from nerves on a similar occasion previously then try to remember your body’s symptoms at the peak of the nerves. Common symptoms are erratic breathing, an increase in heart rate, sweating and the desire drop anchor in Pooh Bay. How you feel? (anxious, scared, trapped, isolated) and what you think? (I’m going to have a mare; I’m going to be a laughing stock; everyone knows I’m petrified) both marry up together as a negative behaviour (Common bodily symptoms above). Nerves will be a thing of the past if you feel (excited, confident, relaxed) and think (What’s the worst that could happen?! I’m not going to die up here. I’m prepared. I’ll do it like I practiced. It’s going to be a laugh and a chance to wind my mate up) then you will behave in a more confident, positive way and you will be in control.
An option which always chills me out is Yoga. I’m not suggesting for a second that you buy some incense, hug the nearest Oak Tree and start wearing linen trousers. Yoga classes focus on breathing, relaxing and focusing your mind. Once you get used to the old downward facing hound you will find ways of focusing your breathing and heart rate so that you can overcome stressful situations. When you’ve overcome the misconception that Yoga classes are full of hippies and flatulent OAPs consider these two words. Yoga Pants… The whole point is to approach the whole ’Best Man experience’ differently and in a positive way which works for you as an individual.
In bygone Best Man speeches I have witnessed, seemingly confident people fall apart at the microphone faster than a counterfeit Optimus Prime. One Best Man forgot to number his speech cards; he managed to drop them and cocked up his card order. He cracked on in a flustered, chaotic manner for 10 seconds or so and then had to sit down and the Groom tentatively had a crack at the title. It’s the closest thing to human Jenga that I’ve ever seen, the poor guy just crumbled and collapsed before our very eyes.
Another Best Man took Dutch courage to a whole new level. He drank so much he even sounded Dutch “I’d like you to all be upshtanding for a toasht.” With a few ‘F – Bombs’ thrown in willy-nilly I can safely say that he was as much use as a glove on a foot. I always have a hip flask on go on the Wedding day with my usual tipple of Mr Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum or Mrs Disaronno (other tipples are available). That way the Groom and I can have a cheeky swill to take the edge off if required. I find that a half a dozen slugs of Lucifer’s fiery sauce will suffice. If this is favourable to you then remember to pace yourself, particularly if the speeches are after the food. It can be a long shift so take it steady and don’t peak too “Shoon”.

‘BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL’ PAY ATTENTION TO BEST MAN SPEECH PREPARATION.

Before you tackle the components of a Best Man speech such as clarity, pronunciation, volume/projection, timing, topics and natural flow it’s wise to prepare as best as possible. Not everyone is comfortable with public speaking and this can breed negativity if you allow it to. From the world of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy this frame of mind is best described as a ‘NAT’. A ‘Negative Automatic Thought’ (Aaron T Beck). It’s the negative contemplation that your Best Man speech is undoubtedly going to be an utter and total shower of scheize. It’s the whole ‘Glass Half Full’ philosophy which you need to adopt. I attended a Solution Focused Brief Therapy seminar several years ago and as a result of that one day I deleted the word ‘But’ from my vocabulary. ‘But’ implies possible doubt and is ambiguous. For example if you say “I’m going to try my best with the speech but if it goes wrong I’m going to look like a penis and ruin the day.” As long as you plan and prepare the Best Man speech in ample time and follow the advice I give then you will be a success. After all, what’s the worst that can happen? You’re not going to die up there and the vast majority of guests will be rooting for you to do well. If you cover all the bases I’m about to share then you will be successful. Hakuna matata.
By nature I tend to mumble like a drunk octogenarian who’s awoken abruptly for the Queen’s speech when I talk and can speak very quickly when I’m excited to share something; particularly concerning naughtiness. All I do, is consciously slow my pace down and pronounce each word clearly. On the run up to the speech I record a practice run and watch it back to assess if there’s any areas I need to improve upon.
The 5 basic breakdown points of a Best Man speech are as follows :-
Compliments.
Thanks.
Share how and when they met. Include funny memories of them together.
Share stories of Groom’s Childhood, Teenage years and adult life.
Toast the new couple.
It’s best to approach this plan with the ‘SMART’ principle.
S – pecific
M –  easurable
A – chievable
R – ealistic
T – ime related
Specific
When complimenting during your speech, focus on how amazing the Bride and Bridesmaids look today (You may have to use a little artistic license at this point sometimes) Remember to congratulate the Flower Girls and Page Boys on a fantastic job if any are involved. This is an ideal time to perhaps read out any Wedding Cards from relatives who couldn’t make it or raise a toast to absent friends or family. Run this past the Bride and Groom so that you have the accurate information.
In terms of sharing how and when they met it’s best to use specific occasions and milestones to give a little extra sincerity and meaning. Include funny anecdotes of them together. Focussing how they met and ‘fell in love’ is a great jumping off point. Share memorable (ideally funny) stories of the Groom’s childhood, teenage years and adult life.
Measureable
I would initiate measuring from two angles. Firstly look at the overall timescale from being asked to be Best Man and the Wedding day. Trust me if you do an Ostrich and bury your head in the sand you are just turning the heat up on the pressure cooker. Be proactive and have the ‘5 Basic Breakdown Points’ written down as soon as you can. Then use the SMART principles and Bob’s your uncle and Fanny’s your aunt.
Secondly I have found that around 10 minutes is ample time to cover the ‘5 Basic Breakdown Points’ in your speech.
Achievable
If this amount of time seems like an eternity then I would encourage you to tap up other members of the Wedding party to ease the pressure. Some examples are allowing the Groom to say a few thank yous; perhaps the Chief Bridesmaid/sister would like to say a few words or read a poem or one of the Ushers may have a story they would like to share (They could speak themselves or write it down for you to relay). As long as you’ve covered the 5 areas then it’s a job well done.
Realistic
Just because you’ve seen another Best Man speech with an elaborate dance routine or show tune number it doesn’t mean you have to compete. If you fancy a ‘Crack at the Title’ then all you have to consider is the preparation time and the skills required. If you can implement a musical number, a slide-show or something that goes above and beyond then I recommend that at points 3) or 4) are your times to shine. Sandwiched by Thank yous, compliments and the concluding Toast.
Timescale
This underpins your whole planning stage from being asked to be Best Man to the Wedding Breakfast. You can view the time you have in the know as time to worry or time to plan. See ‘7 Ps’; ‘5 Basic Breakdown points’; ‘SMART Principles’ and most importantly think positively. When I have the meat to the bones of my plan I tend to record myself on my phone video recorder a week or so prior to the big day to see if I have open and relaxed body language. If possible look up from your notes occasionally and look toward the Bride and Groom to give a personal touch. Above all the most important elements to your speech after you have settled on the contents is the ‘Volume’ and the ‘Clarity’.
THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO CONSUMMATING YOUR MARRIAGE

Consummating your nuptials to confirm to the ‘Big Man’ that you’re really, really, super, seriously committed.
Consummation is defined as ‘the action of making a marriage or relationship complete by having sexual intercourse.’ One thing that the internet has taught me apart from Charlie is a Cannibal, a Panda is petrified of it’s own sneeze and that two freaky ladies should not be left alone with one cup is that apparently only 48% of married couples consummate their marriage on their wedding night. Say what??
It’s kind of like a holy metaphorical ména trois having Mr Omnipotent guy on his cloud tutting until you seal the deal. Ironically this notion taken literally would probably make you Mr Impotent. I can imagine that as a Groom when you’re going at it like Billy-o there’s nothing like an old bearded guy in a robe to really turn you on for the first time you’re making sweet, sweet, love to your angelic, untouched, gorgeous wife. It’s also likely to be the first and last time that you are contractually obligated to honour an agreement by having sex with someone.
Going balls deep.
I have known many a Groom who have gone ‘balls deep’ with the alcohol on their Wedding day. There are many reasons for this. Perhaps they suck back on the old sauce bottle to counteract crippling nerves of making a speech; to numb the pain of listening to the Best Man’s character assassination of him; posing for countless snaps in cheesy un-natural positions; the fear of soberly cutting some shapes in front of everyone for the first dance; a feeling of impending doom of never, ever, ever docking in far away bays on the ‘Isle of Clitorati’ ever again; it’s a rare happy occasion to share celebrations with loved ones; free drinks are trickier to avoid than Candy Crush requests or perhaps the Groom simply gets swept away with the unique, awesome experience.
I can all too easily recall a Wedding where the Groom had made a boo-boo in the tailoring department regarding his trousers. I lost count of how many times he hoiked his trousers up throughout the day. By the evening he was more oiled than the Tin Man, he lost his patience while standing at the bar and he dropped trou where he stood. As the Best Man that day I went above and beyond and legged it across the dance floor and pulled his trousers back up. Thankfully this was pre facebook and Intagram days so any embarrassing Belfies were avoided. Suffice to say this excitable farmer did not plough any meadows on his wedding night.

Textbook Groom decorum
Arguably a ‘Perfect Groom’ would be sober, happy, dapper, capable of striking a ‘Blue Steel’ Duck Pout at the drop of a Top Hat, able to bust out moves like Jagger and able to consummate the marriage with all the gusto of a burly Alaskan Lumberjack splitting some seasoned kindling.
Carrying the Bride over the threshold
In these modern fast food, fast living times obesity levels have never been so high. If your beautiful Bride is on the pleasantly plump side and you’re as sturdy as a wet flannel then perhaps a little role reversal could champion the feminist ways and introduce some equality to proceedings. Perhaps the Bride could carry the Groom through the front door-way instead. Either way nobody likes a slipped disc so don’t be a hero. Play to your strengths. God speed.
Brewer’s droop
The ‘Brewers Droop’ occurs when the gent has consumed too much alcohol resulting in a flaccid mini-gent, detrimental to the required consummation. The best and least romantic description I’ve heard of the wedding night’s ‘Beast with two backs’ antics was from a Groom who termed it as “It was like trying to thread a cooked piece of Spaghetti through a key hole.” Apparently he technically consummated his nuptials by subtly and tactfully using a ‘handy’ prop as scaffolding. Where there’s a willy there’s a way some might say. Thumbs up to that innovator.

In a nut shell
If you put a legendary shift in on your Wedding night then for the rest of your marital days whenever you are feeling amorous and trying to negotiate a cheeky roll in the hay you can always softly drop into conversation, “Hey, remember our wedding night?” Alternatively if you’re passed out like a drunk hobo then your missus will never, ever let you forget it and resentment has probably already set in. According to the fallen few, loving tends to diminish post Wedding day and can be as dry as a Sahara Desert Camel Farmer’s sandal; so make hay while the sun shines fellas.
Living the Las Vegas dream…

As to Alan’s historical conundrum “Did Caesar actually live here?” The search for truth continues.
This is my account of my Best Man experience number three for my legend of a cousin. Viva Las Vegas, you are a monumental slice of incredible.
Ta-ta Wales, hola U, S of A. Every one of my senses were titillated to the max by Planet Vegas. We landed around 9pm Nevada time, dropped our luggage off at the ‘Vdara’ and ‘The Wynne’ respectively and within half an hour I was attacking a ‘Half a Yard’ of beer at Planet Hollywood like a new-born to a breast.

Everywhere I looked, everything I heard, tasted and touched was a little slice of “Wa-wa-weewa”. Just incredibly barmy and magnificent. I hit the ground scampering like a toddler at a Petting Zoo. Everything is so absurdly over the top that my little brain couldn’t keep up. Just to add an extra banana skin to the weak minded and easily influenced gentleman there are no clocks anywhere. Everything is bright 24/7 and I swear they must pump oxygen in as alertness levels were Meerkat-esque. The Cocktail Waitresses were hotter than a leather convertible car seat on a mid-summer’s afternoon, you are plied with free drinks as long as you are gambling and the question “Would you like a drink Sir?” to which I replied “You bet.” Grew thin on several Cocktail waitresses throughout my week. Oh well, when in Rome.
I spent three days livin la vida loca until the Wednesday lunch time when I crashed ‘Mr Magoo’ style half way through my Club Sandwich. My body’s internal switch was turned off faster than a male lover being called their father’s name among the throes of passion. After an extended trip to the ‘Land of Nod’ in my King Sized bed in my bedroom which had a glass wall overlooking part of The Strip. I was ready to attach the wheels back on to the wagon and have another bite at the Vegas cherry, just in time for the Wedding preparation.
The Stag Do consisted of a cheeky visit to Mandalay Bay to watch an Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) event. Not too shabby I might add. An electric atmosphere, gifted sports people and pints of Rum made for a ruddy ace experience. The ladies ventured to a Cirque De Soleil tumbling spectacular for their Hen Do which they loved too.

The wedding took place on the Friday in the Wynne’s wedding chapel. The atmosphere and environment were opulent and classy. The hotel wedding crew were so professional, stress free and tailored the day to the couple’s requests. The morning of the wedding was arguably the most chilled out Wedding day preparation I’ve ever experienced. It was Makeover o’clock for the ladies while the Groom and I had a few steady tipples and played a little Roulette. The wedding was uploaded live on the tinternet so that the family could all watch it back home in the UK and my duties consisted of the basic formalities of looking after the wedding rings and making a congratulatory toast post wedding breakfast. Simples.

The only negative experience I had was that I got hit on a number of times each and every night by women who am not ashamed to say were solid 9’s compared to my ‘6 on a good hair day’. “Poor old you.” I hear you say. The conversations usually took the path of “I love your British accent” “Wow you must look after yourself” “Are you going to buy me a drink” to “So, I’m $300 for the first hour then $250 dollars for each additional hour”. They were ‘Ladies of the Night’ (or Ladies of the day, it was hard to know without a clock) If you don’t weigh in, you don’t Wrestle. I had no intentions of weighing in and my self-esteem was lowered no end. On numerous occasions I was nearly caught in a trap and by the end of the week I couldn’t tell if I was coming or going when talking to women. Were they ‘Painted Ladies’ or just tipsy hot women who were lowering their standards a tad? Eenie meenie miney ‘Pro’… One thing’s for sure, I had a suspicious mind with each and every conversation.

“You’re only supposed to blow the bloody wedding shoot.” Mr Caine offered his congratulation during the Wedding photos, no big deal. Top bloke.
In a nutshell
Planet Las Vegas is amazing. It comes at a pretty penny and if you’re not a drinker, gambler or appreciator of beautiful people then shy away from the idea. It’s Stag heaven. There is nothing you can’t do. The rule-book has been thrown out. In fact I would go a step further and say the rule-book has been buried in an unmarked shallow grave in the Mojave Desert somewhere. The Wedding Day experience was finely tuned, stress free and stunning. ‘Viva Las Vegas’.
Traditional Church Weddings versus eloping to an overseas paradise
This debate is as contentious as what’s best? ‘Radiator Undies’ in the winter months or getting a cwtch from your mum after you’ve fallen off of your BMX in your primary years? Let the deliberation commence.
Argument ‘for’ tying the knot off into the wide blue yonder
I’ve been a lucky sausage and attended a hat-trick of overseas weddings. I’ve toasted to the happy couples in Brisbane, Jamaica and Las Vegas. Being a Welsh man, the sun is as likely to be seen in the sky as much as a vegetarian is likely to be seen in an abattoir. Therefore a Wedding in more tropical climates than in Abercwm-nosun is a guaranteed people pleaser. “The sun isn’t everything” I hear you old fashioned partisan traditionalists say. Well, when you have a Mojito in one hand, you’re perched on a seat in a pool up to your waist at a ‘swim up pool side bar’ and scantily clad beauties are frolicking around you then I beg to differ. Jamaica’n me nostalgic mon…
Another winner is that a wedding abroad in my experience has been as relaxed as a melted Choc Ice. Particularly in Jamaica. Our airport transfer bus driver on arrival was more laid back than a broken deck-chair. He was the most chilled out man I’ve ever encountered. It was fair to say he hadn’t ‘shot the Sheriff’, however he had most definitely blazed up a ‘Fatty’ while driving the bus. A cliff top wedding overlooking the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean was one of the most stunning weddings I have ever experienced. Yea mon.

One hour til the nuptials.
If I could personify the Oz wedding as a Sheila, it ‘banged like a dunny door’. It was epic. Once again I experienced an outdoor Wedding, this time overlooking a pristine golf course near Brisbane. The traditional free bar was a humdinger and with my pastey complexion I stood out like a Bull Dog’s balls. As soon as the locals realised I wasn’t a ‘Pom’ they gave me a fair suck at the sauce bottle and many a bond were formed. This provided its own uniqueness. Another benefit of a Wedding in foreign climbs is that you can explore new and amazing sights. Home based Weddings, as beautiful as they can be, can often blur into one another. A Wedding abroad most certainly will not be forgotten.

Drinking it in.
Arguments ‘against’ flying the coop and keeping it gangsta in the hood
If you’re like me and you’re ideal temperature is 20 degrees Celsius, then being dolled up in your Penguin Suit while hotter than a mid-summer terracotta Otter in 30 plus degree heat isn’t the most comfortable of times. At least a home Wedding provides a cooler climate so that you aren’t sweating like a Sumo Wrestler on a cross-trainer.
It’s more inclusive to all. Apart from a Wedding gift the guests don’t have to cough up an arm and a leg for a flight. Also, you don’t have to experience great aunty Gladys unkempt foliage in a bikini if you handle your nuptials in your shire.
In a nut shell
On a foreign encounter you can contain your guest list to a chosen tight knit squad, so uncle Plonker and aunty Wassock can fall by the wayside and chances are you will not need your umbrella-ella-ella.
Getting married in your shire will keep the traditionalists happy and you won’t have to guilt trip family or friends into spending top dollar on a jet away. Your ‘It’s insanity if it’s not Christianity’ relatives will be happy that you may choose to do the deed in the big man’s house. Mo Wedding guests mo presents..
‘What qualifies me to pipe up and offer wedding advice? I have been fortunate to have been a Best Man on four occasions, an Usher several times, a Master of Ceremonies and have written more speeches and tutored more Best Men, Groom’s, Ushers and Bridesmaids than you can shake a flute of Prosecco at.’
I hope you have found my above examples entertaining and you agree with me that there is a niche in the Wedding market for a guide for the guys then feel free to get in touch.
Thank you for your time and the opportunity to share my idea.
Barry.

Stag do pranks that were top bants from Pissup

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Just in case you haven’t had the pleasure of coming across the Stag Do Kings of party planning ‘Piss up’ here’s a look at a selection of memorable Stag stitch ups. Our personal favourite has to be the poor broken Stag heading home on the mini-bus when his mates scare him half to death in the ‘Car Crash Prank’. You can almost smell his fear. Enjoy.

Stag do pranks that were top bants

Pranking the groom on a stag do is a must and as the best man you need to be the prankster of the group.

Pissup.com recently wrote an article about stag do pranks that were top bants to help all the best men out there that are struggling to come up with some stitch-ups to play on the groom-to-be.

Check out this list of the best ever stag do pranks that were definitely top bants.

Getting your stag arrested (not literally)

A group of lads hire two Latvian cops to arrest the stag for drugs they plant in the front seat of the car.

The bungee jump prank

A must-try prank for a stag do is to blindfold your stag and tell them that they are going to do a bungee jump, but instead make them jump into a baby pool. You will recognise this as it was an internet sensation.

Glue a friend’s pubic hair to the stag’s face and visit a senior centre

This prank also went viral, as the stag was made to wear a beard made up of his friend’s pubic hair. Oh and he was also gaffer taped to a wheelchair, made to hold a cabbage, was dressed in incontinence pants, clown shoes and colourful socks, all whilst being rolled into a centre for over 50s.

Smoke bomb shower

Never heard of a smoke bomb shower? Just watch and learn.

The kidnap

A classic prank for the start of the stag do is to pretend to kidnap the stag. On this occasion the groom was driving along a country lane with his fiancé, who was in on the prank, and was then jumped by his mates.

Airport prank

The stag is going through security at Budapest airport in Hungary, but gets stopped and his bag is searched. Unbeknown to him, his pals have put a sex toy in his bag strapped to a bottle of water.

Shoot the pink bunny

Paintballing is a common stag do activity and what better way to set up the stag than by dressing him in a pink bunny outfit?

Borat style fancy dress

Dressing up in a Borat-style fancy dress outfit is now commonplace for a stag do and watching this video just reinforces why it is so funny.

A game of spoons

This prank sees the stag get roped into the spoons game, but there’s a hitch as the guy he’s playing against has got one of his mates (who is supposed to be the referee) to hit the stag over the head with a wooden spoon instead of an average-sized one.

The car crash prank

Last, but certainly not least, these guys are heading home in the car after a stag do in Prague. The stag is asleep, which only means that you have one last opportunity to prank him.

Image Credit: Tom Henry (flickr.com)

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Stag pranks by Maximise.

maximise logo

As a Best man, rocking a memorable Stag Do pitched to perfection can appear as tricky as convincing your nan that Movember is only for us guys without hurting her feelings. For a leg up look no further than the unique marvel of the good people at Maximise. They have the experience and the cahones to make sure that your Stag Do is one to be reveled in over many pints for years to come. Enjoy their guest blogging comedy gold.

Maximise are the leading specialist Stag weekend organiser in the UK. You’ll find great Stag ideas for your weekend in the UK, Europe or abroad on our website, just take a look!

Stag Pranks: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I’ll sleep better knowing my good friend is by my side to protect me” says Blondie in the classic western The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. It’s a sentiment echoed by a lot of grooms-to-be on a stag do, but unfortunately it’s usually the best friend you need to keep an eye on.

In the wake of one of the most sensational stag do pranks of all time, which saw Mark Longley from Croydon, the groom,have the pubic hair of the stags glued to his face on his stag do, the stag weekend company Maximise.co.uk have put together the ultimate list of stag pranks for the best man to take inspiration from. Whatever pranks you end up using though, from the playful through to the ‘he’s-going-to-kill-me-for-doing-this’, remember to pick wisely. After all, what goes around does inevitably come around, usually around the time of your stag do.

The Good

Not all pranks have to end in tears. Play nice with these fun pranks, guaranteeing a good story for the best man speech but minimising the fear of evil prank retribution on your own stag do.

  • Sexy Hitchhiker: Only available in Eastern European countries (unsurprisingly), Maximise can organise a sexy twist to the classic hitchhiker hijack. The Sexy Hitchhiker package involves a prank straight from the plane. During the transfer from the airport to your hotel, your taxi driver will pick up a pretty girl looking for a ride. After some chit chat, the sexy hitchhiker will identify the stag and start a mini-cab strip to his surprise (and delight!)
  • Blindfold Bungee: Get the stag to face his fear of heights with blind bungee. It’ll take a lot of planning and some convincing execution, but the results will be worth the effort. Ideally incorporate into an active adventure weekend so it’s less of a random request. Get the camera ready to film the results as you watch the blindfolded groom, complete in a bungee harness, take a blind leap of faith into the abyss, only to land in a paddling pool a couple of feet away. Watch these Norwegian lads execute this prank to perfection below.

      Rabid Dog: For those who want to get truly barking mad on their stag weekend in Krakow… Got a stag who thinks he’s fearless? Get him to try our rabid dog chase! The rest of the lads will all stand back and watch the show as the stag gets baited by a K9 dog, who will hunt the stag down and latch on. Luckily enough the stag will be wearing protective gear and there will be a professional handler to keep things in order… maybe tell the stag to take a change of underwear just in case though!

  • Novelty Stripper: Enjoy this hilarious stag prank on your stag weekend in Budapest… You and the lads can watch the look of delight on the stags face at the prospect of a gorgeous stripper turning up to do her thing turn in to something else completely as our ‘bubbly’ beauty shimmies up to the man of the moment for a 15 minute performance… This buxom stripper will give you and the lads a show that none of you will forget in a hurry…

The Bad

If you’re looking to prank the stag with something a bit crueller, (maybe you want to get revenge for the pranks he organised for your stag?), then check out these lean and mean ideas.

  • Stag Arrest: This prank works best if only one or two of you know it’s a stitch up – the reaction of his terrified groom’s men with really get the stag convinced they’re in trouble.  Maximise’s Stag Arrest involves actual off-duty cops turning up to arrest your stag group on a misdemeanour charge. Those arrested will be taken away to a (now abandoned) police station that’s set up to look like a working station – there they’ll be interrogated until the prankster reveals all.
  • Get on the weights son: After the stag has finished his packing, sneak a brick or two into his luggage. Watch him struggle and sweat with his bag – but if he asks you if his bag feels heavy to you, lift it up as if it’s light as a feather and tell him to ‘get on the weights son’.
  • Busk-a-groom: Take the groom’s money and possessions, give him a guitar and force him to busk for his beer money.
  • Team Betrayal: Stuck for fancy dress ideas on a stag do? These Birmingham lads knew the outfit that would humiliate their West Brom supporting stag the most – the Wolves football kit! Getting the stag kitted out in the colour of his team’s nemesis is definitely going to wind him up a treat.

The Ugly

If it’s no-holds barred prank carnage you’re after, (and you’re prepared for your best mate to not speak to you until after the wedding), here are some more ugly stunts to consider.

  • Sexy stripper swap: Halfway through the stag’s striptease, have the female stripper blindfold him. She steps away to let a male stripper take over, unbeknownst to the stag. You’ll have some excellent, extortion-worthy video of the stag enjoy an outrageous lap dance from an oiled-up muscle man.
  • Destination Unknown: Lower the expectations of the groom by convincing him you’re headed to a cheap-but-cheerful party town. Pack everyone up on the National Express and watch the groom pretend he’s not disappointed he’s not headed to Vegas or Ibiza.  You can play the big reveal in the naff location by heading straight to the city’s airport and getting on an airplane out of there! (Just don’t forget the stag’s passport…)
  •  Preacher gotta preach:  Dress the stag as a religious figure, complete with bible, and he only gets a beer if and when he can get pedestrians to say Amen. Be careful how far you push religious dress up though; if you’re in a religious country you don’t want to upset any locals with blasphemous behaviour. After all, who can forget the stag group who dressed up as naughty nuns in Malia, only to be arrested and locked up for the night in a local Greek jail!

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  • Brown fudgies: Quite literally, the ugliest prank of them all. Anything involving laxatives is never going to end well. Before you bring poop-inducing pills into the prank equation though, remember that someone’s going to have to clean it up and have to explain the mess to the hotel manager.

As always if you’re a Best man, Groom, Father of the Bride, a Bride or Bridesmaid this year see ‘our services’ for speech writing. Have a look at some of our previous speech writing blogs.

‘Numpty Proof’ Stag Do Guide to keep the Away Stag Do as smooth as Arthur Fonzarello.

I’ve been on a few Stag Do’s where mass confusion has ensued purely because of a lack of information sharing. You can be as organised as a farmer successfully taxi-ing their Fox, Chicken and Chicken Feed across a river. If you don’t keep the group in the loop then expect confused carnage.

I came across the Stag Programme idea on an Edinburgh Stag Do many moons ago and loved it as it not only filled you in on the itinerary/rendezvous it also provides the opportunity to slate the Stag with more gusto than you can during the Best man speech when his Great Aunty Ethyl and Gam-Gam are present. “What did that young man say about feeding a pony Ethyl?” Awkward times.

On a recent stag do I organised there were two ‘Loose Cannons’ in the Stag group who were concerned about following the ‘Stag Do Programme’. Amazing, unique individuals whose sheer presence have put ‘two fingers up’ to Charles Darwin. One of which is harder than a Beaver’s bottom lip and the other is as random as a Sandal on a Cheese Board. The first gent can jump up in the air and spin-kick ‘Van Damme styley’ and accurately brush your fringe with his shoe. The second hero literally gave road side ‘mouth to mouth’ resuscitation to a Badger (unsuccessfully I might add). The ‘Stag Do Programme’ kept decorum for the group as a whole and kept these two hero’s singing from the same collective hymn sheet as the rest of the crew from start to finish. Amen.

Here follows an example of a ‘Stag do Programme’.

The Fabulous amigos sharing Rich Tales and fables of Will Owen Price on his farewell tour.

Courtship is as old as the early days of fire and the wheel my friend.

Well here we all are. A weekend away to mark the impending sunset of the single life and times of Will Owen Price. Mother Nature’s impish man child burrowed himself in many a furry warren in the pulling years of 1999 to 2002. I was proud to be your wing man and to mop up the low self-esteemed chicas whose hot friend had abandoned them to get silly with Willy. We came across quite a selection of wild cats and Hobbit footed natural disasters over those memorable times.

“If you want to get out of the wedding, treat every day from now on like a prison riot.” Barrington Bear age 31 ½

Prison riots are a lot like getting married. Women look for weakness. Like the annual migration of Water Bison through Lion town in the Serengeti. There’s always fear in the air. There comes a time when a Water Bison might as well accept it and embrace the inevitability. Some men can’t handle it. They buckle under the fear. These are the ones who get taken down by the jugular faster than a pair of pants on Prom Night.

It’s not too late hombre. Options….

Play dead. It’s a strategy that will save you in the long game. It requires commitment, a safe house and a counterfeit Passport.

Another Prison Riot strategy is to side with the homosexuals. This will require a significant lifestyle shift and is a guaranteed banker.

Flog your dolphin in public. This is a bold move, not my style, it’s extremely effective at isolating yourself from ‘normal’ society.

A wise man once said “One day we all end up at the banquet of our own consequences.” Ronald Burgundy.

For many men that banquet is a disturbing and fitting conclusion to a life of poor choices. As for you my good man if you ignore the ‘prison riot Survival Rules’ and take the plunge your banquet will be fit for Kimye.

Either way we’ll all be there in the good times and the bad. Tip of the cap to you amigo.

Friday Aug 1st 3 – 5pm ‘Titan Zip-Line’ o’clock.

For the non-flyers there’s a café that serves Fire-water on site.

Blaenau Ffestiniog.  Titan, Llechwedd Slate Caverns, Blaenau Ffestiniog, Gwynedd, LL41 3NB (2 hours 33 minute drive 110 miles.) Tel: 01248 601 444

Next stop Bunk House.  (16 minutes. 12 miles away.)

Glan Aber Hotel, Holyhead Road, Betws y coed, Conwy LL24 0AB Tel: 01690 710325

Saturday 1.30pm (need to be there by 1pm) White Water Rafting.

National White Water Centre. Canolfan Tryweryn, Bala, Frongoch, Gwynedd LL23 7NU (19 miles.41 minute drive taxi). Tel: 01678 521083

(Inspired by Mr Ron Burgundy and his stellar musings in his autobiography ‘Let me off at the top.’)

Coming up.

Best man speech preparation, drawing board basics, planning, template and execution.

 

Home is where the ‘Smart’ is… ‘Home Stag Do’ continued.

Etiquette and Drinking Games.

As mentioned I’ve experienced over twenty Stag Do’s ranging from relatively sober affairs where we canoed by day, camped in a Tipi and supped away slow and steadily by night and other Do’s where we were as drunk as a Hillbillies in Moonshine season. Alcohol is not the be all and end all for a successful Do. As long as you have a laugh and you cater for the Groom and the majority’s tastes then you’ve got the Do by the Ging Gang Goolies. In my experience, gone are the days of tarring and feathering a nude Stag to a lamp post on a cold British night. Nowadays this torment is as pointless as putting ‘Racing Stripes’ on a Sloth as the Fuzz will be on to you faster than you can say “That looks like a penis, only smaller.”

What alcohol does bring to the table is a vehicle for lowering inhibitions. Old school classic drinking etiquette can be as harsh or as relaxed as the occasion requires. Winners for me have been Left Handed Drinking, a Ban on using first names; allocating a Freeze Master who randomly poses in an obscure manner and the last person to copy has to drink; a Thumb Master who stealthily places his thumb on a surface in plain sight and the last person to place their thumb down sups; naming an imaginary ‘Little man’ who is an inch tall and sits on the rim of your glass. You have to name him, lift him off the glass and place him on the table before you drink and you lift him back up onto his perch post slurp; other games include Fuzzy Duck (In a circle people repeat “Fuzzy Duck” in an allocated direction. If someone says “Does he?!” you change direction. For a more complex game please look up ‘Yeeha, ‘Pimmily’’ and ‘Spoof’ or sit in your local rugby club after a match and take notes. If you want to achieve the group decorum to pull off the drinking games successfully you need to allocate a ‘Snitch’ and a ‘Weights & Measures’ man. A Snitch has to keep an Eagle Eye out for any discrepancies to the rules and when a culprit has been spotted the Weights & Measures man allocates a fine of 1 to 4 fingers width worth of your beverage to be seen away. If you’re not feeling the love for full blown laddish Stag Do and just fancy getting steadily Ale’d up then a ’Kitty’ will suffice.

Kangaroo Court

All you will require is an appropriate, private space according on numbers. The mock court set-up requires an area for all the Stag Doers to sit/stand; ideally with a bar/access to alcohol; an area at the front where the ‘Judge’ sits with a record of Stag Do discrepancies and he keeps order. Nearby you will need a ‘Defence’ and a ‘Prosecutor’ to represent each individual who is called up to answer to the alleged offence. Examples I have witnessed include lateness, pulling an attractively challenged lady, splintering off from the group and the heinous act of disobeying the Social Media Blackout. The best punishments involve forfeits of embarrassment and ridicule.

Taking one for the team

The finest example I’ve seen of a Best man taking one for the team came on a Magaluf Stag Do in a pub where the Stag was escorted up onto the bar and posed on all fours while a sexy, yet masochistic senorita spanked his bare arse with a studded paddle. After the first strike the Stag hopped off the bar and was as useful as a ‘Chicken Dentist’. Like a drunken Knight in shining Board Shorts the Best man stepped up and the Groom ‘tagged out’. Several strikes later the Best man received a standing ovation and minced away. His arse resembled the Elephant man’s face for days. ‘Taking one for the team’ also occurs when a Best man hangs back on the drinking so that he can keep his wits about him should any mischiefs go awry. Some great pieces of advice are get ‘Beer Fit’ (think Rocky training montage), keep hydrated, book a day off following the Stag Dos return to reimburse the inevitable sleep debt, befriend all Bar Keeps and accommodation bosses and guard the ‘Kitty’ like it’s a new-born Panda.

Coming up.

An example of a ‘Numpty Proof’ Stag Do Guide Lanyard to keep the Stag Do as smooth as Arthur Fonzarello.

 

 

Open Sesame – Journey to the centre of morality

Stag Do  – ‘Open Sesame – Journey to the centre of morality’

 Away leg.

The rule of the ‘7 Ps’ is a great way to kick off. ‘Prior planning & preparation prevents p*ss poor performance.’ In terms of planning you need to have an idea of activities and a destination. This works best if you take a pew with the Stag and Ushers and throw some ideas around. I would recommend at least one activity a day to be ‘the filling’ in an alcohol fuelled sandwich. The next job is to write a list of revellers (See Loose Cannon in previous blog) as I mentioned ‘15’ is the magic number from my experience. I’ve been on Stag Do’s with up to 30 guys and its utter carnage to keep the group together; particularly when on the move and a ‘Kitty’ is so big that it becomes slow and unpractical which inevitably leads to smaller groups forming within the party. Therefore with over 15 people, splintering off is as inevitable as a Nanna falling asleep after saying “I’ll just rest my eyes for a few seconds” whilst sat in her armchair next to an open fire after consuming a roast dinner.

I’ve been on a few Stag Do’s and there have been a smorgasbord of family members, school friends, university mates and work colleagues. No worries, as long as you prepare. Group bonding relies on ‘Forming, Norming, Storming and Performing’ (Tuckman) Therefore going genitals deep into a V.I.P Night Club package on the first night is the worst possible start (Storming). Cliques will form and you won’t have enough time to turn that around over the spell of a weekend. Ideally on all activities it’s best to mix everybody up. It may be awkward at first (Forming). Throw in a few laughs and a few beers and you’re well on your way to ‘Norming’ and ‘Performing’. A great way of establishing banter, commonality and an ownership for all is to create a Facebook ‘save-the-date group’. This saves the hassle of contacting everyone individually. It’s the lazy man’s dream.

To Lap Dance or not to Lap Dance. That is the question.

Firstly, see ‘Omerta’. Secondly if you find yourself in an exotic dancing establishment it is custom to chip in for the Stag to have the first ‘No Pants Dance’. If you’ve never frequented these establishments. The drink prices are as extortionate as car insurance for a 17 year old Boy Racer. Never go into one when very drunk. Never leave your card behind the bar, not only will you end up getting rinsed, you will also have to explain any awkward questions regarding future bank statements. Always sit on your hands during a dance. On every visit I’ve had bar-none, a member of the group has inevitably fallen in love with a dancer and spent a small fortune on them. Their alluring charms, their complimentary patter and the fact that their nipples rub your nose like an Eskimo’s ‘Hello’ could well be behind the Stag member falling for them like a blind roofer. I would recommend an hour tops in there (otherwise your bank account will get smashed open like a $1 Piñata), pay with cash and don’t drink much.

Stag Do – Home Leg

There are several benefits of a Home Leg. You can tend to the egos and ‘Boo-Boos’ of people who didn’t make it onto the Away Leg. It’s close to home so your other mates and family members can get involved. It’s cheaper, your job is far easier as you don’t have to organise transport, activities, accommodation and everyone gets to be a part of the tomfoolery.

A few words of advice “Don’t scheize on your own doorstep”. There’s two ‘Hopes’ of a ‘Social Media Blackout’. ‘Bob Hope’ and ‘No Hope’. Rest in peace Bob. I was on a Stag Do recently where the Best man took one for the team and finished off the Stag’s pint as he had hit ‘Beer Wall’. Fast forward 2 minutes and the Best man was turtled over outside the pub heaving like a Moggy with a Fur Ball while four Smart phones where all up in his grill recording every gurgle. There’s nowhere to hide…

All you’re going to need is an establishment which can accommodate your group size. A pub crawl with a large group is always a mission so I wouldn’t bother with a Kitty if you have more than 15 people. A gimmick or a fancy dress is great at establishing unity. (See forming, norming, storming, performing) An old classic is ‘Pub Golf’. All you will require is a scorecard each with a specific drink named at each hole/pub each with its own individual Par and dressing as a caricature of a Golfer. Partnering people up also creates good banter between drunkards and it almost always concludes in buffoonery and comedy gold. Another gem is for there to be a golf ball in your pocket. If you can get that into someone’s drink without them realising then they are challenged to see their drink away.

Coming up – Stag Do Home Leg continued including Etiquette and Drinking Games,

Kangaroo Court and Taking one for the team.