Wedding Fayre Survival Guide.

If you’re reading this then chances are you are contemplating stepping into the fiery caldron to lose your Wedding Fayre ‘V Plates’. God speed to you… The premise of a Wedding Fayre is to access every possible wedding service all under one roof. It’s busier than a one-armed Fluffer on an adult film set and equates to an extortionate Toys R Us. When you consider a decent sized standard cake costs you well under a hundred quid, you can literally add a zero for a Wedding Cake. It’s enough to drive you to tiers.

On my first visit I felt as vulnerable as a haemophiliac on a midnight ramble through a Bramble Bush in Transylvania. It’s akin to Ancient Rome. If you imagine you are waiting in the wings of the Colosseum listening to the baying crowd of plebs. You’ve got your thin leather vest on, you’re carrying a wooden sword and pee is trickling down your legs and pooling in your sandals. “Maximus Debtius Groomius. On my command unleash hell.”


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I recommend approaching the experience in the way an astute, pleasantly plump, hungry camper would at an ‘Obese Children’s Summer Camp’. Be clear of your escape routes and make sure you keep a visual on any food or refreshment stands. Another valuable tip is to take note of any ‘Man Friendly Areas’. These can be priceless areas for respite, bearing in mind that it’s more rammed than a Centipede’s sock draw in there. The main players are the Filling Stations. These are the Cake stands with their lovely samples and the Bar reps with tipples to hand. Another random safe haven are the slight of hand Magician stands. These sorcerers can be as welcome as a Waxing Salon near a German beach. The Ace card in the ‘Manly friendly Areas’ pack believe it or not are the Porta-loo guys. The number 1’s in the number 2’s business’ patter and Potty mouth humour appears to draw the guys to them like a Greyhound to a Rabbit. Guaranteed banter and the majority of them are guys too.

If you check out an overview of the general attendees I would estimate that it an 80/20 split in favour of the females. Of the men folk in attendance they resemble weak, gammy legged Wildebeest crossing Croc infested waters while the ladies powerfully meander their way to safety.

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You may think I’m exaggerating. Well…. If you consider the ladies consist of brides to-be who are one Wedding Dress alteration short of Bridezilla, accompanied by Mother In-laws and excitable Bridesmaids who have all dreamed of the perfect Wedding since they were knee-high running around with a pillow case on their heads then you’re in for a ruddy treat.

In a nut shell

Take heed of your exits in case it all gets a bit much. Isolate the ‘Man Friendly Areas’ when you need to top up your testosterone levels and keep any outlandish opinions to yourself. See you on the other side Champ.


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