The idiot’s guide to consummating your marriage

 Consummating your nuptials to confirm to the ‘Big Man’ that you’re really, really, super, seriously committed.

Consummation is defined as ‘the action of making a marriage or relationship complete by having sexual intercourse.’ One thing that the internet has taught me apart from Charlie is a Cannibal, a Panda is petrified of it’s own sneeze and that two freaky ladies should not be left alone with one cup is that apparently only 48% of married couples consummate their marriage on their wedding night. Say what??

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 It’s kind of like a holy metaphorical ména trois having Mr Omnipotent guy on his cloud tutting until you seal the deal. Ironically this notion taken literally would probably make you Mr Impotent. I can imagine that as a Groom when you’re going at it like Billy-o there’s nothing like an old bearded guy in a robe to really turn you on for the first time you’re making sweet, sweet, love to your angelic, untouched, gorgeous wife. It’s also likely to be the first and last time that you are contractually obligated to honour an agreement by having sex with someone.

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Going balls deep.

I have known many a Groom who have gone ‘balls deep’ with the alcohol on their Wedding day. There are many reasons for this. Perhaps they suck back on the old sauce bottle to counteract crippling nerves of making a speech; to numb the pain of listening to the Best man’s character assassination of him; posing for countless snaps in cheesy un-natural positions; the fear of soberly cutting some shapes in front of everyone for the first dance; a feeling of impending doom of never, ever, ever docking in far away bays on the ‘Isle of Clitorati’ ever again; it’s a rare happy occasion to share celebrations with loved ones; free drinks are trickier to avoid than Candy Crush requests or perhaps the Groom simply gets swept away with the unique, awesome experience.

I can all too easily recall a Wedding where the Groom had made a boo-boo in the tailoring department regarding his trousers. I lost count of how many times he hoiyked his trousers up throughout the day. By the evening he was more oiled than the Tin Man. He lost his patience while standing at the bar and he dropped trou where he stood. As the Best man that day I went above and beyond and legged it across the dance floor and pulled his trousers back up. Thankfully this was pre facebook and Intagram days so any embarrassing Belfies were avoided. Suffice to say this excitable farmer did not plough any meadows on his wedding night.

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Textbook Groom decorum

Arguably a ‘Perfect Groom’ would be sober, happy, dapper, capable of striking a ‘Blue Steel’ Duck Pout at the drop of a Top Hat, able to bust out moves like Jagger and able to consummate the marriage with all the gusto of a burly Alaskan Lumberjack splitting some seasoned kindling.

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Carrying the Bride over the threshold

In these modern fast food, fast living times obesity levels have never been so high. If your beautiful Bride is on the pleasantly plump side and you’re as sturdy as a wet flannel then perhaps a little role reversal could champion the feminist ways and introduce some equality to proceedings. Perhaps the Bride could carry the Groom through the front door-way instead. Either way nobody likes a slipped disc so don’t be a hero. Play to your strengths. God speed.

Brewer’s droop

The ‘Brewers Droop’ occurs when the gent has consumed too much alcohol resulting in a flaccid mini-gent. Detrimental to the required consummation. The best and least romantic description of the wedding night compulsory ‘Beast with two backs’ antics was from a Groom who termed it as “It was like trying to thread a cooked piece of Spaghetti through a key hole.” Apparently he technically consummated his nuptials by subtly and tactfully using a ‘handy’ prop as scaffolding. Where there’s a willy there’s a way some might say.

In a nut shell

If you put a legendary shift in then for the rest of your marital days whenever you are feeling amorous and trying to negotiate a cheeky roll in the hay you can always softly drop into conversation, “Hey, remember our wedding night?” Alternatively if you’re passed out like a drunk hobo then your missus will never, ever let you forget it and resentment has probably already set in. According to the fallen few, loving tends to diminish post Wedding Day and can be as dry as Gandhi’s sandal so make hay while the sun shines fellas.

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