‘Numpty Proof’ Stag Do Guide to keep the Away Stag Do as smooth as Arthur Fonzarello.

I’ve been on a few Stag Do’s where mass confusion has ensued purely because of a lack of information sharing. You can be as organised as a farmer successfully taxi-ing their Fox, Chicken and Chicken Feed across a river. If you don’t keep the group in the loop then expect confused carnage.

I came across the Stag Programme idea on an Edinburgh Stag Do many moons ago and loved it as it not only filled you in on the itinerary/rendezvous it also provides the opportunity to slate the Stag with more gusto than you can during the Best man speech when his Great Aunty Ethyl and Gam-Gam are present. “What did that young man say about feeding a pony Ethyl?” Awkward times.

On a recent stag do I organised there were two ‘Loose Cannons’ in the Stag group who were concerned about following the ‘Stag Do Programme’. Amazing, unique individuals whose sheer presence have put ‘two fingers up’ to Charles Darwin. One of which is harder than a Beaver’s bottom lip and the other is as random as a Sandal on a Cheese Board. The first gent can jump up in the air and spin-kick ‘Van Damme styley’ and accurately brush your fringe with his shoe. The second hero literally gave road side ‘mouth to mouth’ resuscitation to a Badger (unsuccessfully I might add). The ‘Stag Do Programme’ kept decorum for the group as a whole and kept these two hero’s singing from the same collective hymn sheet as the rest of the crew from start to finish. Amen.

Here follows an example of a ‘Stag do Programme’.

The Fabulous amigos sharing Rich Tales and fables of Will Owen Price on his farewell tour.

Courtship is as old as the early days of fire and the wheel my friend.

Well here we all are. A weekend away to mark the impending sunset of the single life and times of Will Owen Price. Mother Nature’s impish man child burrowed himself in many a furry warren in the pulling years of 1999 to 2002. I was proud to be your wing man and to mop up the low self-esteemed chicas whose hot friend had abandoned them to get silly with Willy. We came across quite a selection of wild cats and Hobbit footed natural disasters over those memorable times.

“If you want to get out of the wedding, treat every day from now on like a prison riot.” Barrington Bear age 31 ½

Prison riots are a lot like getting married. Women look for weakness. Like the annual migration of Water Bison through Lion town in the Serengeti. There’s always fear in the air. There comes a time when a Water Bison might as well accept it and embrace the inevitability. Some men can’t handle it. They buckle under the fear. These are the ones who get taken down by the jugular faster than a pair of pants on Prom Night.

It’s not too late hombre. Options….

Play dead. It’s a strategy that will save you in the long game. It requires commitment, a safe house and a counterfeit Passport.

Another Prison Riot strategy is to side with the homosexuals. This will require a significant lifestyle shift and is a guaranteed banker.

Flog your dolphin in public. This is a bold move, not my style, it’s extremely effective at isolating yourself from ‘normal’ society.

A wise man once said “One day we all end up at the banquet of our own consequences.” Ronald Burgundy.

For many men that banquet is a disturbing and fitting conclusion to a life of poor choices. As for you my good man if you ignore the ‘prison riot Survival Rules’ and take the plunge your banquet will be fit for Kimye.

Either way we’ll all be there in the good times and the bad. Tip of the cap to you amigo.

Friday Aug 1st 3 – 5pm ‘Titan Zip-Line’ o’clock.

For the non-flyers there’s a café that serves Fire-water on site.

Blaenau Ffestiniog.  Titan, Llechwedd Slate Caverns, Blaenau Ffestiniog, Gwynedd, LL41 3NB (2 hours 33 minute drive 110 miles.) Tel: 01248 601 444

Next stop Bunk House.  (16 minutes. 12 miles away.)

Glan Aber Hotel, Holyhead Road, Betws y coed, Conwy LL24 0AB Tel: 01690 710325

Saturday 1.30pm (need to be there by 1pm) White Water Rafting.

National White Water Centre. Canolfan Tryweryn, Bala, Frongoch, Gwynedd LL23 7NU (19 miles.41 minute drive taxi). Tel: 01678 521083

(Inspired by Mr Ron Burgundy and his stellar musings in his autobiography ‘Let me off at the top.’)

Coming up.

Best man speech preparation, drawing board basics, planning, template and execution.



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