Open Sesame – Journey to the centre of morality

Stag Do  – ‘Open Sesame – Journey to the centre of morality’

 Away leg.

The rule of the ‘7 Ps’ is a great way to kick off. ‘Prior planning & preparation prevents p*ss poor performance.’ In terms of planning you need to have an idea of activities and a destination. This works best if you take a pew with the Stag and Ushers and throw some ideas around. I would recommend at least one activity a day to be ‘the filling’ in an alcohol fuelled sandwich. The next job is to write a list of revellers (See Loose Cannon in previous blog) as I mentioned ‘15’ is the magic number from my experience. I’ve been on Stag Do’s with up to 30 guys and its utter carnage to keep the group together; particularly when on the move and a ‘Kitty’ is so big that it becomes slow and unpractical which inevitably leads to smaller groups forming within the party. Therefore with over 15 people, splintering off is as inevitable as a Nanna falling asleep after saying “I’ll just rest my eyes for a few seconds” whilst sat in her armchair next to an open fire after consuming a roast dinner.

I’ve been on a few Stag Do’s and there have been a smorgasbord of family members, school friends, university mates and work colleagues. No worries, as long as you prepare. Group bonding relies on ‘Forming, Norming, Storming and Performing’ (Tuckman) Therefore going genitals deep into a V.I.P Night Club package on the first night is the worst possible start (Storming). Cliques will form and you won’t have enough time to turn that around over the spell of a weekend. Ideally on all activities it’s best to mix everybody up. It may be awkward at first (Forming). Throw in a few laughs and a few beers and you’re well on your way to ‘Norming’ and ‘Performing’. A great way of establishing banter, commonality and an ownership for all is to create a Facebook ‘save-the-date group’. This saves the hassle of contacting everyone individually. It’s the lazy man’s dream.

To Lap Dance or not to Lap Dance. That is the question.

Firstly, see ‘Omerta’. Secondly if you find yourself in an exotic dancing establishment it is custom to chip in for the Stag to have the first ‘No Pants Dance’. If you’ve never frequented these establishments. The drink prices are as extortionate as car insurance for a 17 year old Boy Racer. Never go into one when very drunk. Never leave your card behind the bar, not only will you end up getting rinsed, you will also have to explain any awkward questions regarding future bank statements. Always sit on your hands during a dance. On every visit I’ve had bar-none, a member of the group has inevitably fallen in love with a dancer and spent a small fortune on them. Their alluring charms, their complimentary patter and the fact that their nipples rub your nose like an Eskimo’s ‘Hello’ could well be behind the Stag member falling for them like a blind roofer. I would recommend an hour tops in there (otherwise your bank account will get smashed open like a $1 Piñata), pay with cash and don’t drink much.

Stag Do – Home Leg

There are several benefits of a Home Leg. You can tend to the egos and ‘Boo-Boos’ of people who didn’t make it onto the Away Leg. It’s close to home so your other mates and family members can get involved. It’s cheaper, your job is far easier as you don’t have to organise transport, activities, accommodation and everyone gets to be a part of the tomfoolery.

A few words of advice “Don’t scheize on your own doorstep”. There’s two ‘Hopes’ of a ‘Social Media Blackout’. ‘Bob Hope’ and ‘No Hope’. Rest in peace Bob. I was on a Stag Do recently where the Best man took one for the team and finished off the Stag’s pint as he had hit ‘Beer Wall’. Fast forward 2 minutes and the Best man was turtled over outside the pub heaving like a Moggy with a Fur Ball while four Smart phones where all up in his grill recording every gurgle. There’s nowhere to hide…

All you’re going to need is an establishment which can accommodate your group size. A pub crawl with a large group is always a mission so I wouldn’t bother with a Kitty if you have more than 15 people. A gimmick or a fancy dress is great at establishing unity. (See forming, norming, storming, performing) An old classic is ‘Pub Golf’. All you will require is a scorecard each with a specific drink named at each hole/pub each with its own individual Par and dressing as a caricature of a Golfer. Partnering people up also creates good banter between drunkards and it almost always concludes in buffoonery and comedy gold. Another gem is for there to be a golf ball in your pocket. If you can get that into someone’s drink without them realising then they are challenged to see their drink away.

Coming up – Stag Do Home Leg continued including Etiquette and Drinking Games,

Kangaroo Court and Taking one for the team.


One thought on “Open Sesame – Journey to the centre of morality

  1. Pingback: ‘By the power of Grayskull’ pay attention to Best man Speech preparation. | best man beacon

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